Chances are you’ve been fighting for awhile and still sharing parenting duties while at home, and still married or ‘together’.
Chances are at some point during your school age years you were assigned a group project with a partner you didn’t like, didn’t hang out with, didn’t care to work with, but you went to school, played nice, got the job done and most likely your grade wasn’t too bad. And then maybe .. just maybe you started to say hello when you’d pass in the hallway and perhaps even become friends at some point.
Chances are, you don’t get along well with someone at work but you both still go in and get the job done everyday.
Chances are as you’ve gotten older, you’ve also gotten wiser. We can only hope. Time has healed old wounds over something you can now hardly recall and you’ve realized there are bigger things in life to worry about than harboring anger over old, insignificant issues.
Chances are, if you can’t figure out a way to get along with someone, you can figure a way around it and still do it well. That is, if you care to try, knowing the reason you’re trying is what’s best for everyone involved.
I’m rather disgusted and quite frankly tired of hearing adults that I want to think are relatively level headed and well educated, say when it comes to shared parenting, that if the parents can’t get along (this is at the time of divorce – mind you – when custody and placement decisions are being made and emotions are often most high) then shared parenting isn’t possible. Shared parenting meaning maximum time with both parents if not 50/50. Whatever would be in the best interest of the child. And just about every social science study over the past 20 years shows as equal time as possible with both parents is in the best interest of the child, assuming both parents are fit parents.
I’m not quite sure I get it, and this may just me, because I really don’t see a reason for ongoing conflict. Or despising anyone. Especially when it comes to family situations. If there’s a problem, define and fix it. Get over it. Grow from it. Deal with it. Like an adult. And keep your kids out of it when it comes to what you and your ex still have to work out. While it may be good for kids to see parents sorting through a heated discussion, a debate or a disagreement in a healthy way so they learn emotional intelligence skills as they grow, they don’t need to be put in the middle of your own issues with your own bruised ego, see that you can’t get over being ‘wronged’ or whatever the issue may be.
A question posed by KELO television to its viewers after airing a piece on shared parenting and a bill moving through the South Dakota state legislature right now:
“There is a major push in Pierre this year to pass a law for shared parenting, but can this method of custody work in this state?”
Sincerely, you have to be kidding me. Are parents in South Dakota that unlike parents in other states where this works? Genuine shared parenting – where it’s done, accepted and quite honestly, now promoted – is overall shown to decrease conflict over time and is shown to be better for kids. In any state. This doesn’t somehow stop at the state line of any given state. Unless… are parents in South Dakota just that much more hard headed and with conviction they don’t want it to work? This conviction not limited to just parents? The comments coming from so called ‘family court’ officials seem unbelievably ignorant to me if you’ve had any conversations or done any research outside the four walls of your respective office. Research done on this topic and covering many families is broad based and not limited to any one state. There seems a deliberate attempt in South Dakota to maintain a system that is alienating of fit, capable and willing parents – most often men but also women. And detrimental to children.
This is nowhere near “in the best interest of any child.”
Bauserman in 2002 and Melli and Brown in 2008 found that interparental conflict decreases over time in equal or shared parenting arrangements and increases in sole physical custody arrangements; interparental cooperation increases over time in shared custody arrangements and decreases in sole physical custody arrangements.”
There is no reason shared parenting can’t work. It does work. In many states. In many places. In many homes. It can work and it does work should two good people choose. Even if one doesn’t choose, without good cause, why should those parents be the one then awarded primary placement? Parents, get over yourself and try. Be open to it. If it doesn’t work.. ?
Worst case scenario: you find yourself in the same situation you’re already in, your kids aren’t doing well and you’re back with family court officials asking for a change in physical placement. Right now this already happens due to any number of reasons – parental alienation, the non-custodial parent fighting for more time. Meantime your kids are confused, not feeling great about their situation in either home and wishing things were different.
Best case scenario: you both, as parents of your children, recognize your kids need something different for them to grow, heal and feel they are getting the best of both of you. And so you work it out. With or without the help of an attorney. It’s civil. It’s cheaper. You all come out better in this situation. You earn trust. Your kids are amazed and find newfound respect for you. And you both get to look in the mirror everyday and feel damn good about the situation you’ve created for your children. That is .. if you genuinely love your children and truly want what is best for them.
Include the other parent. Allow your children to love their other parent. Share information about school, medical decisions, pictures, the other half of who your child is with the other parent so your children, those beautiful little lives the two of you brought into this world TOGETHER, can somehow still feel whole in a situation you’ve created for them living now, apart. Work together.
It is what’s best.
Chances are … you can make it work. You – and the myriad of family court officials worried more about their matching federal funds for child support shrinking than what is truly in the best interest of the child – just have to be willing to try.
If you’re not, say what you want about anyone else in this situation. But what does that say about you.
A new friend of mine shares custody with her ex 50/50. She says her kids are happy, they’ve been allowed to be a part of 2 new families, and she gets the break every single mother dreams of. She completely let go of any drama that led to her divorce. I admire the heck out of her for that!
Tiffany, 50/50 where and when it can work, really has so many benefits. I’m not sure a lot of parents realize how much healthier it is for not only the kids, but themselves in many ways. I have quite a few girlfriends back in Wisconsin who all laugh a bit in secret about the hidden benefits of having the kids only half time – they can work extra hours, stay late, go in early, attend events, meetings, plan work trips, meet their girlfriends out and schedule it all on the nights they are without the kids without the guilt they often felt doing those things while the family was intact. I hate for that to sound petty or insane. But it’s true. I used to cram everything I could into the days without my daughter. That way the nights I had her it was a non-negotiable. That was my time with her and nothing else (as much as possible) took away from that. No guilt then for working late, serving on boards and being gone half the night.. etc. I wish more people could be like your friend – let go of the drama and find some sense of joy and normalcy in that new stage of their lives. Your friend’s got it down!
Congratulations to you, Carleen Wild and your husband for your success in this legislation putting the best interest of the child ahead of personal feelings of ex’s towards each other. I have given your writings on #sharedparenting a great deal of thought. Even where one parent needs to have full custody for the reasons you have discreetly stated in earlier writings, there are still ways for the child to have the joys of feeling loved and experience the presence of both parents…it’s all about the #child.
What a lovely note, Faith. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and the congratulations, but there are so many people and stories behind any of this moving forward. It’s not easy, getting along. And it’s not always possible. No matter how hard one party tries, if the other parent/party has no interest (which is often the case from my experience and observations), it’s tough going. But even in those scenarios, it is possible to do just enough the kids shouldn’t be scarred trying to simply love both of the people that brought them into the world. You are sweet to stop in and leave such a thoughtful note. Wishing you the best ..