Tag Archives: Wisconsin

Drinks .. a good question .. and the gift of time.

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We are enjoying a rare moment with some friends that I adore but rarely get a chance to see,  tonight..

As we’re gathering up our things and sorting out the bill, one of them asks the Cowboy, “How many horses do you have?”

“Oh, 8 head right now,” says the Cowboy.

“Why do they call it ‘head of horse’, versus just horse?” they ask .. “Do some have more than one head?”  We all laugh.

I don’t know that I had ever thought to ask that question.

“Because you count heads when you count livestock,” replies the cowboy, with a chuckle.  “That’s just the way they do it.”

We are all capping off our respective days of work, meetings, appointments and the days challenges .. with a cocktail.  Down time with friends and family is wonderful, isn’t it?  I don’t have, or I should say, I don’t make room for it often enough.  I really don’t.  I try on a daily basis to not feel like a horrible person for it and make room wherever I can.  But somehow, I can never seem to find the time to talk with everyone I want in my day-to-day.

The Cowboy reminds me daily not necessarily through words, but his actions, of how much better at it I could be.

Today, it was the phone call back home to South Dakota, first thing this morning.

“Happy Birthday, mom!” he says.  I can hear his mothers voice on the other end of the line,  sounding so happy to hear from him.  “You made it there okay last night?” she asks.  “I did.  It was pretty foggy, but I made pretty good time.”

“I saw that,” she says.

“What?” says the Cowboy.

“That it was foggy.. I read the blog.” she replies.

Both the Cowboy and I chuckle a bit .. to know his mom is reading any of this.  But at the same time, I’m flattered.  I adore her.  She is a good, hard working woman who loves all her boys and their families a ton from everything I have seen thus far.  She, like most moms, may not be perfect.  (I say that because the boys all fuss at her on occasion.)  But she tries to be there for any/all of them as best she can; the Cowboy’s dad, he and his two brothers and their families.

Right now I believe the Cowboys mom just wants to do anything she can to help the four of them.  The fallout from the divorce has been tough on their whole family.  It is for most.

I remind him to tell her he loves her.

I would give anything to hear my own mothers voice on the other end of the line.  She’s been gone now 10 years.  But this reminds me, and he reminds me, to try and be better about staying in touch with the family and friends still here.

Tonight was wonderful .. the time with friends .. (6 head if you count ’em like livestock), capped off a beautiful day.  A day where I spent some extra time with my daughter.  And, that started with a sweet phone call home to the Cowboys mom.

“I love you too,” she says and adds one more time, “I’m glad you made it there okay,” …

The drop off …

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Some parents would love nothing more than to hand over their kids for a few hours .. even a few days ..

Hand them over to another adult they know will take good care of them.

Sometimes another mess, another whine, another errand, another argument with you or between siblings, another load of laundry .. any or all of it can be enough to push some parents to the brink.  A few moments, a few days perhaps of solitude, is a wonderful opportunity to regroup and come back at it.

Quite honestly, even if its just a date night .. psychologists will tell you, (and I say this after the thousands of dollars of couples therapy that my ex and I went through, apparently a wee bit too late – so please let me just share one very important tidbit I learned) get a babysitter and go out.  Step away from the children for just a few hours.  It is healthy for them and for you.

Sincerely.  Once a week.  If at all possible,  do it.  Prescription straight from a marriage counselor.  Fit it into your schedule and do it.  (Just to clarify, I’m not saying like, do it do it.. but do the date night thing.  You know what I mean.  On some level though, I guess either reference would be appropriate in this context.)

Back to the point I was going to make..

Some parents would give anything for that break.  For a few days to regroup and then have their children back, feeling all refreshed and ready for the beautiful chaos that they are.

But for parents who’ve gone through or who are going through a divorce and who want more time with their children than the are told they can have, nights .. like tonight at the ranch, are brutal.

A weekend of not much of anything but hanging out and loving on each other at some point has to end.

It’s time to go back to mom.

A warm weekend indoors

It’s been almost three days now of running around inside, staying out of that cold South Dakota wind, chasing each other, playing hard and chilling out.  But the silence that starts to creep back in around 6pm every other Sunday at the ranch is almost deafening.  The stress of the drop off starts to sink in once again, with the twins and their big sister.

The Cowboy I know does his best to keep his composure as he starts helping them pack ..

Not easy because almost always, there is crying.  And there are questions.  More and more, his daughter says, ‘Why can’t we spend more time with you, daddy?”  They are words that sting deeper each time they are asked, because there is no good answer.

One of the boys lies on the floor .. lifeless, with tears streaming down his cheeks saying he doesn’t want to go.  The other ambles along through the house this weekend as if nothing is happening.  Usually he’s the one clinging to dad screaming.

“The drop off sucks,” says the Cowboy.  “Especially because it is essentially two weeks now until I get any more real time with them…”

Let me just say this.

No matter how much any child loves a mom or dad, leaving one to go home to the other can be heartbreaking, especially when they’re young.  It does go both ways, for those who think the kids only have a hard time on their particular end.  The Cowboy knows this.  Still, it is hard.

Hot cocoa

They don’t understand.  I’m fairly certain they feel guilt leaving one parent for the other.  And if they don’t feel it, they feel like they should.  So they act accordingly.  That is just my own observation.  Take that for what its worth.  But from everything I have witnessed and heard, with my own daughter, with friends, with other family and the Cowboy, kids feel torn leaving either parent.

I don’t know what a child truly feels however, because I was not put through that hell when I was a child.  I feared it.  My parents struggled just like everyone else.  But I was blessed in that they stuck it out.  After 36 years it was cancer that finally tore them apart.  Its crazy to think of how rare divorce was back when we were kids compared to now.  In 2012, its more rare a child’s parents are still together.

Marriage is never easy.  Divorce is just as hard.  And its incredibly tough on kids.

There are ways to minimize the pain.  Experts will tell you, avoid direct parent-to-parent drop offs if at all possible.  That helps the kids.  School for instance, is a great way to do that.  Whoever has them for the weekend will usually drop them off at school/daycare the following Monday.  The other parent them picks them up.  Voila.

I’m not just saying this because it might help the Cowboy and his kiddos.  I’m saying it because I’ve seen it work.  And, because my ex and I were asked to do the same .. after both of us grew increasingly concerned, I think, that someone might call the cops thinking one of us was abducting our own daughter during direct drop-offs.  Her blood curdling screams and crying tore our hearts out.

The rub here is.. both parents have to be willing.  Willing and able to remember through the muddy hate filled haze that can be divorce, to always try and do what’s in the best interest of the kids.  Thankfully, no matter how tough my own divorce was, my ex and I tried our best to frame each situation with, ‘What is best for our daughter?’

Too many of us know that can’t always happen.  Or if it does, its down the road and so much damage has already been done.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write about this today.  It’s not a fun topic.  And the Cowboy worries its a bit too heavy.  He wants me to write about something a bit more lighthearted tomorrow, if that’s ok.

But its just what struck me as important to talk about.  Because so many of us face this moment.  The moment we say goodbye to our kids .. and wish with everything we have, that we had more time with them.  Each day.  Each week.  The good, the bad, the arguments, the accomplishments .. even the mundane.

Back to moms

While time alone to regroup is a gift – to come back at parenting refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle anything a 4, 7 or 10 year old could throw at us (literally and figuratively) ..

How we would give anything for the frustrations of the everyday.    

(p.s.  Don’t think I don’t know – some of you right now are saying, then you should have stuck it out in your marriage.  I wish it were that simple an answer.)

“Not much” …

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“Never do I close my door behind me without being conscious that I am carrying out an act of charity towards myself.” – Peter Hoeg

…

“What are you all up to,” I ask.. as the Cowboy and I and all the kiddos are talking early Saturday via the videophone.

“Not much,” he says.

“The kids are watching a movie.  We had some of those clementines you bought earlier this week, they love ’em.. they really do.  I can’t believe we’ve never had them before.. they’re so much easier to peel than .. a regular orange.  I think we’ll have to start buying them.  They’ve had four each this morning!”

I love clementines.

Because the Cowboy and the kids are so rarely at the house for any length of time, he hates buying perishable food.  So I bought them tons of fruit earlier this week, in part because I wanted it for myself while there.  He fussed at me a bit for it.  But I want them all to be healthy as .. well, a horse.  Use whatever analogy there you’d like.  All I know is fresh fruit does the body better than say, ice cream or chips, for a snack.  And the kiddos are all sick right now with nasty colds.  I’m happy to hear they’ve discovered the awesomeness of clementines.

Lazy day

“What do you have planned for the day?”

I ask, because I know unlike most other weekends when family is around or I am around there is a lot going on.  Everyone, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends are around and want time with the four of them, because otherwise there is precious little time these days to see the kids.

“Nothing.  In fact, I’m not sure we’re going to leave the house.”  He’s got a big smile on his face.  “I’ve got homemade potato soup going already.  We’re just going to hang out together and relax.  I think they need it.”

I’m jealous.

I can hear laughter, music, the keyboard being practiced on, and a whole lot of … well, not  much going on in the background there.

Down time is a wonderful thing.  In fact, one of my colleagues did a story this week on how rarely we make room for down time in this hectic, constantly accessible, on-the-go fast paced life, and a place you can go to literally book a room in a place where all you do is be quiet.  And contemplate.  Life.  Anything.  But the goal is to just be still.

I understand the need for a place to go to find that, away from home because so often we get caught up in what else needs to get done.  Or who is stopping by.  But I also chuckle at the fact most of us can’t find a place anymore to be quiet in our own home.

I know its tough for the Cowboy and many others to believe I appreciate that, given how busy I usually am.

But I do.

It is why, since living a few years in Montana and discovering what the Big Sky does for my soul, I’ve wanted to return to the west.  The wide open spaces remind me (and often I need that) I can be as busy or as still as I want to be.  And both are good.

I called them again on our way to see old friends last night from my hometown.

“What are you all up to?” I ask.  “How is the day going?” ..

His daughter comes into view and she’s got the biggest smile on her face.  “Nothing,” they say.  She hangs out, leaning against her dad and loving watching herself on the screen.  After a few minutes as her dad and I keep talking, she runs off.  I can hear her playing the keyboard again and amidst laughter from the boys.

Here in Wisconsin ..

Grocery store run

.. we are hustling around, running to the store for something I forgot to get when I went earlier this week, going for a run, running errands, returning messages.  And that was just the morning.  The afternoon got a whole lot more busy, and fun.  Full of things to get done, friends and family.  Crazy day.  But a good one.

The Cowboy’s folks and the rest of the family he and the kids would typically be surrounded by, are at the http://www.centralstatesfair.com/stock-show/schedule/.

In fact, I think half the state is.  Everywhere we went when I was there earlier this week, the second question asked after ‘how are you, pard?’  .. was, ‘we gonna see you at the Stock Show?’  The Cowboy usually goes.  His mom I believe is doing a lot of shopping at the trade shows.  His brother is there selling a horse he’s got beautifully trained.  The whole show is a pretty big deal it seems. The Cowboy explains to me, it’s kind of like the little brother to the NFR in Vegas.  It’s busy.  It’s fun.  And we’ll probably go next year, he explains to me.

But this year, this particular weekend, he is soaking up how quiet it is, back at the ranch.

The power of being still

I just spoke with him again.  “We’ve done absolutely nothing,” he laughs as he has the best look in his eyes.  (Which is pretty cool to see across the miles – via the vid phone)

I have a feeling when we talk again later today .. I’ll hear more of the same.

There just isn’t enough time sometimes to do a whole lot of nothing.  Or three children who are willing to spend time doing nothing either.  They grow up too fast and are off in their own directions.  Weekends used to be for that, didn’t they?  Rest.  Perhaps in some households they still are.  The Cowboy has reminded me that on occasion at least, they should be.

Which is why this morning, my daughter still sleeps while I sit at the dining room table, sunlight streaming across the room at me.  The TV is off.  The sound of someone shoveling outside and the hot water heat kicking back on through the radiators is the only noise I hear.  I have my coffee.  A clementine.  The dog at my feet.  And the day ahead.  To do a whole lot of something, or a little bit of nothing ourselves.

11 Reasons Why ..

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“Mom!” my daughter says…

She had just picked up the phone.  I was calling to talk as I was still in South Dakota earlier this week.

“Where are you?” she asks.  “Are you still at the Cowboy’s?”

“I am, honey!  How are you?” I replied.

“Mom..” she says, rather breathlessly .. “OK.  I have 11 reasons why I would want to move to South Dakota.. and 11 reasons why I don’t.  And .. why are you still there?  I want you to come home.”

While she loves the Cowboy, his kids, their lifestyle and I believe wants nothing more than to live on a ranch where there is every opportunity to have all the animals she’s ever desired, especially horses..

We’re (and by saying ‘we’, I mean ‘she’ .. ) very stressed at the moment, about what might be happening later this year and where we might be going to school.

My daughter is 10.

She met the Cowboy before I even had a chance to introduce the two this past summer.  The scene:  we were out at the barn where we keep our horse.  The owner, thrilled to have someone around who really spoke her language (horses), she  swooped him up for almost an hour, showing him around while I went and rode.  I came back to where everyone was standing after a brief ride.. and my daughter was hamming it up.   As soon as he started talking to another person standing with us all, she grabbed me by the arm and whispered loudly, “Mom.. He’s so nice!  He’s cuuuuuute!  And, he’s a real cowboy, Mom!”

She’s told me herself on many occasions over the past 8 months, since the Cowboy and I met, that she thinks he’s the one, if there ever were another one for me.  She adores him and she knows I do as well.  (Understatement of the year)  But, if we do take life and this love a step further, what does that mean?

How do we all live together, us, the kids, the ex’s?  Same geographic area, I’m speaking?  OR do we not?  Do we keep two separate homes in two separate states and keep driving between?  Or do we find what we want somehow, and that is time, all together, everyday.  If so, where would we live?  Where would she go to school?  Would she get her own room and her own horse?  That’s what she wants to know.


But she also wants me to know as one of the 11 reasons she doesn’t want to move to South Dakota, that she’ll never consider the Cowboy family.  (Mind you this comes within months of saying she can’t wait to have brothers and a sister and the Cowboy would make a great step-dad and asking if we could please move there because the west ‘is where her heart just is‘.  She can’t describe it, she used to tell me.  I get that, I really do.)

Until now, my ex and I have stayed put, not wanting to ever have this discussion.  I’m not sure either of us does now.  But life and I truly feel God’s plans for me/us are bringing it all to a head.  How do parents make these decisions?  These….. gut wrenching, heart breaking, tough, life altering decisions?  Seriously?  We can’t all regroup and fall in love again in the exact same location we often feel trapped by divorce.

I am feeling like a horrible mother for even thinking – what if there is a split in the coming year or years between states.  Her father has despised his time in Wisconsin since the day he moved here and would love nothing more than to leave.  But, he’s not interested in South Dakota, he’s told me.  What if, she spends summers with one and the school year with another?  How awful will it feel to be the one left with less time to love her in person, raise her, guide her and be present?  Or, will she be okay either way?

My daughter would be going to a new school in her current district this next school year anyway, but she’d still be with the friends she’s made the past few years.  She is petrified we might send her to a new school within if not the district, another town or even a new state.

I keep saying that to her, please don’t worry right now .. there isn’t one of us adults at the moment, certain of what is to come.  What we do know, is we love her.  And we are all working toward the best possible solutions with that in mind.  And in the meantime, we pray.

Maybe I need to make a list myself…

11 reasons why it will all work out.  Somehow…..