It’s about time..

At least that is what I’m saying to myself about finally committing to writing some of my thoughts down and getting them out of my head and recorded somewhere.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve said to myself, “I’ve got to journal.”  I’ve done it here and there, am good about it for a few weeks and then I find myself two years later picking up the same old notebook, with a missing corner now because the dog has chewed on it or something, wishing I had kept track of the time.  Because its been a crazy wonderful ride.

I have enjoyed the ups and downs of a beautiful life .. one filled with tremendous joys and terrible losses ..  like we all will at some point if we are blessed enough to be close to any number of people and love them with everything we have.

That is one thing though, I wish I were better at.  Creating better places and time to be with family and friends.  It is a goal I have and have had for quite some time.  And it is one the Cowboy has, in the short time we’ve known each other, helped me with.  Tremendously.  I’ll tell you more about him later ..

For the moment, a little more about me so you know what you’re getting yourself into by reading any of my posts:

For as long as I can remember, and why I often don’t have as much time as I’d like for the little things – I’ve gotten caught up in a steady work-life imbalance.

I think to some degree, it is because women these days are encouraged to do what we can to ‘have it all’.  So we try our darndest to make it happen.  But its a tough road.  Full, I’ve found, of disappointments because we, or at least, I can’t quite seem to make it all happen as easily as I would ever like.

Still, I work hard.   Probably too hard most of the time because that’s all I’ve ever known having grown up in a blue collar home in the Midwest.  That’s just what you do.  (I have some colleagues I’m pretty sure would argue they don’t know what I do all day, but I digress.)  My father worked hard.  My mother worked hard at home and part-time in an office.  And when either of them weren’t at work, they never sat still at home.  I’ve learned this is something I do too.  For the most part, it drives anyone I’m close to I think, a bit nuts.

But, unlike my parents who had their beautifully kept home of 20+ years almost paid off, a healthy retirement fund, a lifetime of friends surrounding them in a small town in rural WI, no credit cards or debt and a beautiful, strong marriage after 36 years.. I’m not sure what I have to show for it.  I’m almost 40, divorced, eagerly downsized from a 2400 sq ft 3 bdrm home with a fenced in yard for the dogs and my daughter into a 900 sq ft 2 bdrm apartment and trying to get rid of more ‘stuff’ by the day (because why did I have all this ‘stuff’ to begin with?  We will talk about that in a future blog post, I assure you.) .. owing a dear friend a hefty loan because I needed help after a short sale on my house that I kept for far too long (I thought it was the stability our daughter needed throughout the first few years after our family break-up, little did I or anyone know how deep a dive the market and economy would take), terrible credit I’m now trying to rebuild, child support payments to be made, huge amounts of guilt about it all, and to top it all off, so many things I want to do and places I want to go.  But because of all of this, I’ve felt stuck.  Stuck for far too long.. in a life that isn’t bad, in fact its pretty darn awesome when I step back to think about all I have been blessed with.  And I have been so richly blessed in this life. Something I sincerely thank God for everyday.

But I know it isn’t ultimately where I’m supposed to be.  You know what I mean, don’t you?  Does that mean place, career, relationships, coffee shop of the moment or street I live on?  Could be.  Any of it.  But bigger picture, I’m talking about where I’ll ultimately find pure contentment.  In many ways, I’m there.  In fact, I can honestly find pure contentment, for instance, in just about any good fresh-ground-not-too-scalding-hot cup of coffee .. preferably with a friend… or better yet, put me smack dab in the midst of any mountain range and I’m there.  Content.  And reminded in that moment of how short a time we have here on earth and that its ok to not sweat the small stuff.  Let’s get back to where I was going with all this.  Being content in life.  You have to know what I mean because we either know it and live it, or search for it wherever that might be for us individually.  It is about finding our true place in this life and just knowing and feeling it’s right.

SO…..  Last spring, after resolving some wonderful yet tumultuous situations which were sadly overdue, I was ready to move on.  And, out of my hometown.  The place I’ve lived and loved being much of my life out of both want and necessity.  Toward whatever might be next.  And wherever that might be.  My ex and I for the first time in years seemed to be on somewhat civil terms where we could talk about how we might do that together .. so that we could continue to co-parent our beautiful daughter and share her life equally.

I literally was on my way to Nashville ..seriously.  I was supposed to drive there one weekend to talk to someone about a job, but I got a call about a terminally ill family member and I didn’t want to be so far away.  I was hoping that weekend, to see what Nashville might possibly hold for me in my career in television news .. possibly even as a long shot, in music.  I love music.  And I love Nashville.  Given it was my ex’s hometown, he seemed game for the adventure.  And at the time, he was totally up for a move.  Any move.

But then I got a call from a friend, someone I had been taking (horse reigning) riding lessons from calls and says, “I’ve got a friend.  We just left his house.  He lives in South Dakota.  You two HAVE to connect…”

Seperately, having both heard the same thing, we laughed.  Each of us was coming out of a very tough but very different situation, he –  his marriage and I a couple of failed relationships post my divorce.  Neither of us was looking for anything more than a friendship, if that.

But to humor our mutual friend, we ‘friended’ each other that evening on FB.  Not a day has gone by since, where I haven’t had the most incredible, life changing, wonderful and enlightening conversations .. with the Cowboy.

While not every single one is a gold mine.. they are conversations.. I believe, worth sharing.  Even if they are simply just written somewhere, so that they may someday be passed along to my daughter.  I know with my own mother now gone, far too young, I wish I had more of her stories …

As long as it was something she had written, on anything, in her own words, I’d hold it dear.  Even if it was a randomly written in journal with a corner missing, chewed on by the dog.