When I need to think …

We all have various quirks we inevitably do .. when we need to really do some thinking.

My brother tends to pull on his ear.

Lately I’ve been writing.

But, most of my adult life, I’ve come to realize, I clean.

Fortunately for me.. after days of running around with extra projects at work.. meetings.. appointments.. dinners.. going through stacks of paperwork.. cats peeing on my daughters bed for some reason and the subsequent load of laundry.. researching child placement studies & articles and talking a few experts on the topic while the Cowboy was here recently .. there is a lot of cleaning tonight, to do.

I was going to write over the next few nights about the Cowboys journey.  The one he is on to simply help he and his kids come back to being a family .. not relative strangers on a visit ..

I love the word journey because its what we are all on and where the road will take us .. we have yet to see round the next bend.

But perhaps ‘fight’ is a more appropriate term.   Be prepared for the next few days to be all about the Cowboy’s fight, for more time with his kids.  Because that is all some seem to want to do about an issue that only makes sense.  Many if not most current studies will tell you, adults fighting is the absolute worst thing for children when it comes to divorce.  When parents fight, kids can’t adjust.  When parents co-parent, reserve judgement, get past blame and just love them best they can and let the other parent do the same, kids can get through just about anything.  Including living between two homes.

But some want to fight.

I can’t imagine living in that space where anger and lashing out seem like your best option.

So I’m praying for peace in hearts and homes everywhere.

And because I know that’s a pretty tall order..

I’m going to keep cleaning tonight.  Because I have this crazy notion that if I take enough time to think about it, I’ll eventually come to some understanding why anyone, especially someone who loves to boast they are God fearing, the better person, an upstanding citizen and always ‘right’ .. would ever treat another person with disdain, ill will and do everything possible to inflict pain where none is deserved.  I’m searching for answers.  But coming up with nothing that makes sense.

I may run out of things to clean..

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8 thoughts on “When I need to think …

  1. When Blondie was little I got so sick of the ripping and tearing at her heart that I finally wrote the X a letter. I told her Blondie loves all of us. She needs all of us. You aren’t hurting me and Daddy the way you are hurting her. For a few years it was the perfect fix. We got custody of Blondie. For a while, we were all friends, having BBQ’s and birthday dinners together. Then the green eyed monster of jealousy and anger crept back into her heart, and it’s never been the same, but I reached out to her and said “just because you and him couldn’t be married doesn’t mean you can’t be parents together. You made this beautiful child and she is the best parts of both of you, she wouldn’t be so amazing if she didn’t have you both as her creators,” and I think that acknowledgement did something for her, and I can only pray that Cowboy’s X will realize the war she is waging will only cause her own relationships to disintegrate. Funny, when life gets me down, I either clean or write…

    • I love this, Tiffany.. and so glad to have connected with you through this. How on earth did you find me? I don’t know.. but glad you did. I may actually steal your line and use it on our own green eyed (whatev color her steely eyes are) .. ex. I cannot imagine needing to keep up that level of anger and perceived control. Its sad yet relatively humorous anymore how much she is trying to drag his name through the mud. For those careful enough to listen or watch, its nice the feedback we’re getting is, that it only makes her look all the more sad. I hope at some point she realizes that because you can’t take back some of what she’s been putting out there in writing. At some point, the kids will not only have access, but understand. And that’ just not good for anyone.

      Haven’t had a chance yet to listen to Blondie’s songs but am looking forward to that moment.

      Hope you had a wonderful day. I feel like I have a pen pal. 🙂

      • I think I just clicked on you because “Conversations with a Cowboy” appealed to me on some level. I read lots of blogs, subscribe to a few. I have been careful what I blog about, but reading your story made me want to open up a small part of mine. I will tell you this about the songs: Walk Away is ANGER and Breakdown is HURT… but both songs show what that behavior does to a child. Her very first song, she wrote at the age of 10 was called Scream Shout, and it actually said “if I had stayed with you I would have ended up hating you for all you’ve done,” and it was beyond profound at her age. Now she is less “straight to the point” and more metaphorical, but she tells one heck of a story. And if you were to meet her, you would see a bubbly teenager full of silliness, you would never know the pain that lives in her heart, but I believe she will do everything in her power to avoid repeating that mistake.

  2. Stiff upper lip my dear! I’m very proud of you for handling all this – and managing to blog about it on a regular basis. Inspiring on so many different levels… Hugs from New England!

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