One of the hardest things we have to do in life, is trust.
But it’s also one of the most important.
Trust that as children, our parents will provide for us, the basic necessities.
Trust that as we grow, we have what it takes to survive and thrive in an ever changing, often very tough world.
Trust in something. Someone. Bigger than yourself.
For me, it is God. It is what grounds me and gets me through, not always unscathed, but through the challenges that present themselves day to day.
Trust that there is a reason for everything.
And that when it is your time, for life.. for death.. and whatever may lie in between, you will have what you sincerely need to get through. To get through to that place He, for whatever reason, has in store for us.
I struggle with that sometimes when I really go back and think of the experience we had with my mother dying.
When I really give myself time to remember what it was like to look into her eyes.. hold her hand .. and try to reassure her it would be ok, as she struggled to breathe, very afraid of both leaving us.
And the process of dying. Would it hurt. Was there really a place she was going called Heaven. The why’s. The how’s. Mostly, the why’s, although she only once ever said it.
I can’t imagine.. whether it is death, losing someone in any capacity .. or the life some of us feel we have been given to lead, that most of us don’t feel challenged in our faith on a consistent basis.
Having had so many that mean so much .. come and go in my life in such a short time, I try and just feel blessed I have the people in my life I do, however long it is possible.
I took the photo above, at our church the other weekend. The church had been host to an artists conference and there were a few works on display yet that Sunday morning.
Out of everything there.. this one photo stood out to me.
The parallels to life, of clay being molded into something beautiful. Starting out as a heap. Slowly being spun. Not always holding it’s shape, but reminded time and again, turn after turn of the wheel, where it is supposed to go based on the work of the hands. That it will be ok if it just trusts in what is happening, works with the artist and allows guidance. The edges are softened. Eventually, a beautiful pot is made.
I wrote a blog earlier today walking through some of the conversations the Cowboy and I have had this week. I asked the Cowboy what was off limits. ‘I trust you’, is what he most often says. ‘I have nothing to hide.’
I wrote it carefully as I do every entry. Well, most. Sometimes when a post seems relatively benign and just for fun and I’m in a hurry to document something, my grammar is terrible and words are misspelled everywhere. But whatever…
I did everything I could to be factually correct throughout and provide the essentials of one small moment in time. This one very small part of a much bigger story of my life which will unfold piece by piece otherwise in any true daily journal.
Because it seemed too much for one quick read, I split it in two. Tomorrow was going to be the lessons learned from all of this. Most of which detailed my ignorance to what most other people who lead what might be considered a ‘more normal life’ than I do, find acceptable. Versus what I consider normal. (Is there a normal out there anymore? I ask as I am up writing at 4am after having fallen asleep again earlier in the night with my daughter) And why I have learned through this I need to get back to a place where I know I have to work on being more considerate. Because the last thing I want to ever do is hurt anyone, especially someone I love.
I pulled the post. Even though I do plan to save it for my daughter. Because the lessons all around still apply. They are tough lessons. And one I wish my mom were around to talk with about. (I have several other ‘second moms’. A story to be told closer to Mother’s Day I think.)
For as authentic as I want to be always in person, in writing, in life .. the whole reason I am journaling ..
I also at this moment don’t believe it is worth dragging out some of the pain the Cowboy and I .. feel the situation we’ve found ourselves in, worth.
I hope that is authentic enough in and of itself.
I need him to trust I will take care of his heart. And I am fairly certain, until any of us ever heal from previous unhealthy relationships, hurt or pain, losses in life through things like divorce or in death, that it is tough to lay your heart fully out there to trust anyone again.
We are still being molded. And I want to take the best possible care of the clay we have been given in the trust it will turn yet, into something even more beautiful.