… a lifetime of conversations.
Much has changed since the last post.
The Cowboy and I .. along with our children .. married in July 2012.
“It’s not what we have in our life, but who we have in our life that counts.” – J.M Laurence.
I was walking the other day out of an event, one of my favorite of the year .. with a few dear friends. We were some of the last to leave, having helped clean everything up and putting the place, a camp for kids with disabilities, back to semi-normal.
One: A wise friend and mentor to us all and one of the programs biggest supporters .. who has been married to one of the most wonderful women now, for 40 plus years.
The other two: A sweet young couple I have gotten to know well and who I just love. And who at some point, I fully expect these two will get married. Sooner than later if my girlfriend has anything to say about it. She can’t hint to her rockstar boyfriend enough she is ready for the ring.
“I hear you’re getting married!” he says to me, seeming genuinely excited and sincere about it all. “That’s just great .. ” he adds, among a few other wonderful thoughts and observations. I have known this gentleman a very long time. His company was one of the first I went to work for long ago just out of high school .. we have remained friends ever since, having many mutual close friends, colleagues and causes that are important to us.
“If I can offer you one piece of advice, because I really do want things to work out for you with this one … ” he says .. which had I been drinking coffee or any sort of beverage, I would have spit it out laughing. For as sweet as I know he was being with that comment, it just struck me as funny.
He continued. “Something my wife and I have been blessed to have always done. Don’t ever go to bed upset with one another.”
Agreed. Not going to bed angry is a goal I have always strived for. I think we all do. But, we also all know it’s not always easy .. is it. Sometimes circumstance and personalities get in the way no matter how much you may try to hit that goal.
This dear friend continued to share a story about one of the most important lessons he learned from one of his High School teachers way back when he was a ‘young buck’, Mr. Hyman. “Hyman,” I asked? I had to chuckle. Hyman, he confirmed. Know it’s spelled differently but for a teacher that name had to be tough. Anyway ..
Mr. Hyman had apparently told his class long ago when our friend was a student, ‘Marriage is a lot of work. And you may think each of you needs to give 50/50 to make it work. But it’s not. One person always end up putting in 90% of the effort. And the other person, also needs to put in 90% of the effort. And somewhere in there you hope it adds up to 100%.”
Lessons we learn firsthand being in a marriage.
Being out of one as well. That’s a lesson that can apply to many things in life.
Going back into another union of hearts, dreams, families and all that goes along with that is a conversation the Cowboy and I have had on countless occasions. Not wanting to repeat past mistakes. Taking care to not take for granted what the other does or contributes. Knowing there is always work the other is doing or energy being put in that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Communication that needs to happen about life, with each other, to each other that doesn’t involve bills, the kids, the ex’s and problems. Dreams always need to be shared. Dates always need to be had. Respect for each other and who we are as individuals as well as together is the goal. Acknowledging that’s a lot of hard work, but deciding it’s worth it because the reward of a family that cares about each other, supports each other, is kind to one another, roots their day and actions in their faith, talks happiness, works only for the best and expects only the best of each other and delights in the good in the world around them sure beats the alternative.
Plus it’s no fun going to bed mad each night.
And my eyes always get puffy from crying so it’s just not pretty either.
It was only a few years after sharing his marriage insights in class, Mr. Hyman got divorced. Successful outcome of the marriage or not, it is still a good reminder that while it may not always look like both parties in a marriage or a job or any relationship are putting in all they can and more, often they are. And while we can always work harder and give more, we hope that in giving all we’ve got, no matter the ratio, it adds up to a beautiful life. Even when its not always pretty.
There are a lot of things *worth* making a big deal about in life.
I have an amazing friend that I don’t see often enough, especially anymore because of a move and his retirement, who I can’t believe what he has seen, done and had happen to him in his life .. the loss of two children, a third with severe disability, a major health diagnosis for his spouse, and that’s just to start .. situations that might bring any of the rest of us to our knees. Yet he gets up everyday, volunteers, goes to work, has the brightest eyes and biggest smile on his face and he just gets at it everyday.
That’s a lot for anyone to deal with. Those things change you. They have to. And they can change a person for better or for worse in an instant.
Most of the time though .. we have little things, issues or challenges, deadlines, tasks, whatever .. thrown at us constantly throughout the course of a day. And usually, there is little the Universe can truly throw at us that can’t be taken in stride. That we can’t entrust, if not to God, to someone else. Or ourselves.
Unless .. we perhaps have some issues with needing control.
There was a time in my life when I used to wonder why life, (I was told), was so bad. So hard. I felt horrible because no matter how bad things have ever actually been, I’ve always tried to find the silver lining. I try to always be open to the fact I can do things better and take ownership of issues that are mine .. deal with them or make peace with the fact they are just my issues and minimize the impact on others. Like the fact I often try to get one more thing done before I have to be somewhere which often, not always, but often where I feel I might have some leeway, has me running behind.
I have also far too often over the years, tried to take on issues I am told were or are mine. But they’re not. It took me a very long time to recognize that. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I didn’t see things the way I was told they were. That perhaps I just didn’t get it.
In some cases, things are a big deal. And, I try to always give credit where credit is due.
It’s tough though when everyone comes at things from their own past experience, personality and perspective. So how big a deal something might be to one versus another is all very relative.
But after you’ve been through some actual, real sh*t in life, your realize what’s worth making a huge fuss or demands or threats over and what’s not.
It’s taken me a long time to get to a place where I have learned to better recognize this and compartmentalize when issues are my own that I need to own ..
And when they’re just someone else’s .. appreciate that fact, and let it go.
Still, no matter how far you may try to remove yourself, sometimes you just keep getting dragged into the drama others need to create. (And let me just clarify, this fortunately has nothing to do with the Cowboy. Other than at times we both get to share/swap stories and ponder solutions to the everyday chaos around us.)
While I’ve paid good money over the years to understand this and get to this place where I am currently at .. there are some valuable lessons I think in sharing stories, situations or resources.
Whether or not it’s from me, Dr. Phil .. or any of the thousands of resources/forums available on Google which I won’t bore you with here .. there are lessons here I’d love for my daughter to learn, especially as she ages. I hope she more easily recognizes a person with control issues than I can or ever did.
It would help tremendously even in situations like the one she and her best friend found themselves in this past year ..
Where a third little girl who so desperately wanted to be both their friends, did what she could to create chaos between the two, in order to come in and be the one to save the day. She wanted them both to need her and like her best. Versus just being a good person to like and love, who looked at herself for the person she wanted to be and stood firm in that .. (not easy for any girl about to enter her teens)
And who they would have welcomed into their circle to begin with.
We had this very conversation just the other night in regard to something said to her by another friend completely outside the triangle mentioned above, her reaction to it and how she might best respond.
Friendships, families, workplaces and relationships shouldn’t be about winning, losing or needing control. While structure is necessary in some form and if expectations are made clear .. they are best when they can just be because everyone is doing their own part.
If it doesn’t work for some reason, it’s my belief .. take it or leave it, .. that natural consequences are a good reminder perhaps we need to look within and work on what’s there .. first.
The Cowboy and I were standing there the other day .. when a little friend of my daughter’s came up to her just as the 5th grade graduation ceremony had ended .. and said, “Our other friend is mad at you again. She is. And she really doesn’t want to talk to you.”
I looked at her, not believing what I was hearing on some level. Wanting to laugh on another. I saw my daughters shoulders sag under the heavy weight of more drama between them all.
She looked at my daughter, waiting for a response. Then she batted her eyes at me.
“I’m sorry, honey, what did you say?” I asked, as if I hadn’t heard the first announcement.
I had gotten to know this child a bit as well over the past year through both volunteering at school and at different events. And, every time I see her, she gives me as big a hug as possible, I think in part because she needs it. But also because she knows it irritates the bajeezus out of my own daughter, frustrated by someone who she would prefer is a friend, but who seems more often a foe, doing what she can as often as she can, to stir trouble. There have just been ongoing issues and drama since the beginning of this school year. And my daughter has tried her best, I believe to befriend her, as she was also once new in that school and knew what it was like to need a friend.
The little girl repeated herself.
My daughter, sounding frazzled, sad and frustrated replied, “What? No she’s not.”
The three of them have been spending a lot of time recently with the guidance counselor trying to work things out. Much of the school year has been spent negotiating this relationship, actually. For some reason, the drama only seems to build, not wane. And it doesn’t seem to matter what is said or done. There is never any making it better. Not for more than a couple hours anyway. Often when I walk into school, people ask, ‘How is your daughter doing?’ because something else has happened that day.
I had done my best to stay out of it all year. Be an ear for my daughter. Help her think through how she might best handle the situation on her own. But knowing she had cried over another apparent misunderstanding created by the third party the night before, called her best friend to work it out, clear up the notion there even was a problem, then seeing the effort right in front of me to stir it all up again .. I couldn’t help myself.
“Perhaps if (best friend) is still having some issues with (my daughter), the two of them should speak directly to each other, would you be okay with that” I said to her.
“That way you don’t have to be a go-between, which would probably make it easier on you …. and then they won’t have any miscommunications about problems that might exist that really don’t. Otherwise, I think they have it worked out,” I said. “Is that okay?”
She nodded her head.
“Great,” I ended the conversations. We stepped to the side to take a family photo.
While I’d like to say if for no other reason to be happy the school year ends tomorrow, it might be, that we can move past the social challenges of 5th grade. The time when it seems the drama really kicks in.
But, sometimes .. people get stuck in 5th grade ..
You know who I’m talking about .. those who always need a little drama, or when there is none, are more than happy to stir it up.
4. any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results.
The Cowboy and I were talking a bit about two particular issues that have come up where that is the case. In just the past 48 hours. Funny thing is, typically the person who loves to create it is quick to point out its not them, but you that is the problem.
And if you would just cooperate ….. the world would be a much better place.
As adults, you would think we should know better than to engage. But it’s tough .. you feel like the little boy or girl again in 5th grade. Exasperated it seems there is nothing you can do to fix a situation. Because, in my opinion, there is no ‘situation’ other than the one someone is creating for you. Exhausting. Who has time for that?
The Cowboy says it helps him to step back and think about what someone’s motives might be .. to best deal with any drama, as some people are motivated simply to get what they want. They need to feel, regardless of whether or not they are actually in control, in control. They need and want that power. And unless one takes a deep breath and stands still long enough to recognize it, we get swept up in it. Great insight, Cowboy (according to the following article.)
The mother of my daughter’s best friend .. as we spoke the other night about future play dates .. mentioned she thought that was the case with the other little girl.
That the drama she is creating between our girls is her way to have some control in a world where she feels she has little to none. A point that just absolutely makes me feel sad for her. Sad especially, that she would see that as a solution versus just being a good friend. That creating drama is her way to be able to not only have others possibly need her, but it might also be where she feels in the midst of chaos she can also come in and be the hero and fix it all, too.
Whatever the challenges we face .. be it 5th grade, making friends, finding our way, changing interests, changing bodies, new schools, new classes and creating our own good space in life .. or a new job .. adult friendships .. perhaps a relationship or a marriage..
May drama only be a class you take or a reference to one of the first three definitions according to Webster’s:
I woke up by chance this morning at about 3:15 ..
I flipped on the tv, trying to decide whether I would get up and get to a few things I wanted and needed to do.
Or go back to bed.
While I was trying to decide, I happened to catch the following:
So many great words here .. all of which I love, most of which I try to live by and many that I hope my daughter will internalize and remember someday when she needs to dig deep. Make some tough decisions. Apply herself. Set goals. Or just wake up and remember that being positive and having the right attitude about life can make all the difference in any God given day.
But because she’s getting to the age where she knows best and mom knows nothing so I won’t listen to you .. lalalalalalalalaalalalalalaaaaa …
(even though I know she does)
I thought I’d post this too. Thinking, perhaps the wisdom and insight from many others will give her pause.
Someday, if my own history is any indication, she will remember my thoughts, hopes and dreams for her. And she will pause, and hopefully along with that, smile. Especially since I’m adding now to my arsenal (sorry, need to pilfer this one), one of the phrases from Jane Lynch, among the speakers featured in the CBS Early Show’s video montage:
“If life gives you lemons, grab it by the horns and drive.”
Intentional combination of several metaphors, for the record. And a lovely moment in the video if you have time to watch. So many other great quotes to cite and may grab them in writing later but for now, love this one dearly.
Glad for some reason that I was awake and caught it.
And that I did finally decide it was wise to get a couple more hours of sleep.
As I look at a text this morning from a friend ..
A phone call from late last night I need to return ..
And knowing and having to deal with the situations a few others close to me are in right now, I went looking this morning for a quote that might help each of them today find even an ounce of strength in .. some small piece of insight .. or wisdom.
Instead of a quote, I found the following passage from the book, What I Wish For You by Patti Digh .. which I feel can apply universally for so many of the circumstances we find ourselves in, in life ..
They are also thoughts that I just simply love, and words that capture much of how I try to live my own life and hope as well, for my daughter as she grows.
May your regrets be from loving too much
Do not be afraid to love. Open your heart wide. Throw back the curtains. Let the sun in. Prop the front door open, make a pitcher of lemonade, invite the world! You never know whom you might meet. Don’t be afraid to fall in love with ideas, with places, with subjects, with people. You’ll fall in and out of love many times, but this is how we figure it out. This is how we learn what we love, this is how we recognize what we want, this is how we know what we need and , maybe just as important, what we do not need. But if we don’t immerse ourselves in this crazy life in the first place, we never get the chance.
Sometimes it will seem easier not to throw yourself into the fray. You could get disappointed. You could be rejected. You could get hurt. Better to be the one doing the disappointing, the rejecting, the hurting. That’s the easier way, it seems. But my most poignant regrets are of the times I could have rushed head long into love – into life! – and did not, out of fear.
If you take a chance on love, you might regret it. But maybe we can only hope to end up with the right regrets. Ideas, places, and (especially) people will disappoint you. They will wound you. They will not live up to your standards. But they will also astonish you. They will amaze you. They will bring you more joy than you could imagine. I wish you as much luck and love as possible, with a few regrets as possible. But if they happen (and they probably will), may your regrets be from loving too much instead of not enough.
– contributed by Gabrielle Kaasa
One last note – I found “What I Wish For You” and “Gratitude” at one of my favorite local stores. If you’re ever down on State Street and stop in:
Tell Anne ‘Conversations with a Cowboy’ says hello and that I sent ya.
I want to be sure my daughter knows who the important women are in my life ..
And I am so very fortunate that there are many.
For now though .. I want to at least say a few words about the various women who are my mothers, by different definition, or who have stepped into that role for me willingly or otherwise and are as close to my own mother as they come.
The days leading up to Mother’s Day, I believe, are as good a time as any to share those thoughts.
A godmother is a female godparent in the Christian tradition.
God parents are responsible in nurturing the spirtual growth of the child. The parents guide the child in day-to-day functions, but the God parent guides the child when it comes to their relationship with God. It is actually a very big responsibility and an honorable position to hold in the childs life.
Godmother may also refer to:
(When you look at the word Godmother too many times it starts to look weird, doesn’t it? Anyway …)
I don’t remember ever not knowing my Godmother. She has been a part of my life always. I don’t know how she was picked. But I called her tonight, told her I was writing about her and asked if she remembered what that moment was like .. the moment my parents asked her to be my Godmother.
“Who is this?” she first said.
It’s been awhile since we’ve talked, obviously and at the very least, I learned my number isn’t programmed into her phone. I feel bad about that.
“It’s me. And I’m writing about you tonight. Tell me about ….”
“It’s you? .. How are you? I can barely hear you,” she said. “What was the question again?”
Anti-climactic, I guess.
She went on to tell me that she and her husband, my Godfather were thrilled. She said they had seen me, and were so excited to have been asked.
“We were thrilled,” she said. “In fact, not too long ago, I came across the certificate that says we are your Godparents,” she added.
I asked if she might send me a copy, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it .. nor do I remember what the certificate we signed with my own daughter’s Godparents looks like.
I knew that if anything ever happened to me, she and her husband would be the ones to care for me. That thought, by the way, used to scare the hell out of me. Not that they, her name is Donna by the way .. Donna and her husband would care for me, but that they were there ‘in case something ever happened‘ to my parents.
They were always there with a good joke. With an invite to dinner. At school events. In fact, Donna used to work at one of the schools I attended growing up, so I had quite a bit of time with her. They are always there with a birthday or holiday card. They have come to every major life event. And many of the minor ones too.
No matter how much or how little we are in touch .. she, and they are here for me and my family.
I don’t know that I have ever spoken a word about God to – or with my Godmother though .. is that common for most, anymore? In fact the last three times were were probably in church together were my baptism, my wedding and my own mother’s funeral.
Is the role of Godmother more symbolic anymore than it is about the traditional role? Or has it always been that way? I believe so.
(My own sweet child, I feel terrible I have no idea if you have ever had a conversation about faith with your own Godmother.)
Regardless, I am so appreciative of Donna’s constant presence in my life, and the reason why. That she would guarantee I have a loving home if ever needed.
The peace of mind, to a parent, I believe is priceless.
And I would think, an honor to both the one asking that someone would say yes .. and to those being asked.
Thank you, Donna (and G). Love you dearly.
And to the Godmother of my own daughter, love you for always being there for her too, more than you will ever know.
Now about that Godmother cocktail…