What are you doing to keep your own grass green?
(Not, lawn mowed. Which would give this post an entirely different meaning. Keep your minds above the waistline.)
Ok, so this is a follow up to yesterdays quote/post and initial thoughts on the fact that in the midst of a lovely weekend for the Cowboy and I, and one where it seems all we continue to do is build on what we have, we stopped to look at all of the relationship chaos around us (because it got to the point it was almost humorous if it weren’t so sad). To ponder what it truly takes anymore to have a good marriage or lasting committed relationship. And, who did we know we might look to, to serve as good examples or role models …
I have a feeling today’s post won’t be very popular among some of my friends. I have many, many strong women in my life and I know bazillions more out there who don’t read my blog necessarily but that would cringe at what I’m going to throw out there.
BUT I found it interesting .. and at the very least, food for thought.
One of the other blogs I follow is called Heavenly Ramblings .. and I haven’t checked it out in awhile. But for some reason I clicked on a post called, “Where Was God in That,” the other night. http://heavenlyramblings.wordpress.com/2012/04/14/where-was-god-in-that/
This isn’t ultimately what I want to point out .. but why the title caught my eye:
I had just visited earlier that day, with a friend who had lost a child.
How many of us have looked at events in our lives .. Christ followers or not, and felt like were were terribly alone. That God could not be present or this wouldn’t be happening. Or, there would at the very least, be some sort of a sign showing you the way past the pain and on through to better days.
We are so conditioned anymore to think pain doesn’t serve some valuable lessons, that our goal is to always just be happy. And that if we’re not, to toss aside whatever it is and move onto whatever might be next. There are actual wall hangings now for your home, magnets and cards everywhere promoting that belief.
We all know, life, death and the challenges we are presented with in-between, which include any and all relationships (spouse, being a parent, being a child of an aging parent, friendships, any of it) aren’t easy.
Where marriage is concerned, many unions are worth holding onto, fighting through the pain and frustration, watering the grass so to speak and bringing it back to life. Others sometimes, as sad as it may be, we need to let go of, simply tear the whole thing up and try replanting.
I’m pretty sure at the lowest point in my own marriage and divorce, I was doing that. Praying for signs that I wasn’t alone and on the right path.
Anyway .. I’m finally getting to the point here. When I clicked on the blog post above, this happened to catch my eye in the margins of her webpage. Especially because of the challenges many are facing around us .. and because the Cowboy and I and many others we know that have been through heartache or divorce wonder what we might do better in any current or future relationship. Ring on the finger or not.
30 DAYS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE
“Would you like to come to church with us,” we asked one of the couples we know that is struggling, via text Sunday morning. We had been with this couple and a few other people Saturday night. The evening ended with the party hosts/a married couple in a fight screaming ‘eff you’ endless to each other and the whole neighborhood to be quite honest, and one of them then kicking the whole group out in frustration we weren’t taking sides.
“We don’t do church.” The text we received back.
I’m not trying to push religion on anyone here. And I don’t know, that wherever you are at in a relationship, or life any of this will help.
What I do believe .. is that in an age where women especially are stronger, more outspoken, are told they shouldn’t bend, show weakness in the workplace or at home, are asked to take on more with family, community, at home and certainly not put up with less than 50/50 effort from a spouse or significant other, it can be tough to appreciate another person’s contributions to anything. Because it may never seem enough.
In turn, how we speak to each other or about each other …. perhaps even we would cringe to hear at times. (from the post.) That’s all I’m saying perhaps we can give more thought to.
All I know is 1.) I am always looking to do better, and this is probably an area where I could have done better in my own previous marriage. I did the best I knew at the time, but I am always looking to better.
2.) Following the challenge mentioned in the post above – won’t make major marital problems disappear and it certainly won’t change some things. This is just simply one area where it might be interesting to see if it helps your overall day to day.
3.) We also, all need some boundaries in terms of what is acceptable in terms of how we will be treated and communicate that to our families in an ongoing manner. But how that is communicated ….
If you take away nothing else .. and I want this for my own daughter to think about years down the road when she may be in her own relationship as well as for myself because this can be applied forever across the board (job, parenting, friends, etc) .. but if anyone else might benefit from the thought here..
The challenge asks: ”If all my family and friends knew about my husband/wife came from a filter of what I’ve said about him/her, what would they think?”
Do you need to change the filter? Do you talk positively about your husband/wife to others…or do you complain and criticize?
Words should never “rejoice in iniquity.”
Refrain (try it perhaps, for 30 days?) from listing your husband’s/wife’s faults to others. Instead, present them before others today in a strong, positive manner. Slip in a “good word” for your spouse. Resist the urge to correct or belittle him/her in front of others. Some of what you say may come back to them – May your speech always seasoned with grace.
A new text just came into my phone as I write this .. from one of the couples we know and hold dear that are struggling right now .. and that would be my wish for them. That they find a way to better season, always, their words with grace. In good times as well as when there is trouble.
It is also my wish and challenge for myself as a partner, as a mother, a daughter .. and a friend.
May we always find new and healthy ways to keep the grass green.
When my husband and I first met, he did some hurtful things, and so whenever we were around his friends I had this terrible urge to point out all of his flaws. To this day I regret that. I know I did it out of hurt, and insecurity, fearing that they only knew his side of the story… but now I know, it didn’t matter. I wish I had never shown anything but my utter love and devotion! Awesome blog. I am reading the 30 days of encouragement now. We have been together 17 years, and I hope we make it 50 more! 🙂
Love this, Tiffany .. your openness and honesty as well as the analogy. Made me laugh but also speaks to the gravity of the situation. Some legs do need to be amputated. But many, I presume, are cut off for a mere scratch anymore. Tough to know where the balance may lie. You are such a love for always sharing your thoughts ..
This is very interesting to me. I sit often with girlfriends on a night out and so many of them send up the flaws (he never does x, y or z). And in thinking about it more, those are definitely the people i see with marital problems. Almost 100%. The friends who do not speak ill of their spouses to me seem to have great relationships.
I think about what they hear from me about my hubby…and i am pretty positive its all good stuff (or if there are issues, i just say nothing). At least i hope. I mean, there are the “geez, i wish he’d clean more” moments….but those are very superficial. I know i never speak poorly of him, in front of others, ever. And i know he never speaks poorly of me. Even when you are mad at each other.
A very good lesson, and reminder. I believe in love, family, marriage. I believe it. I know so many people of divorce did too at one point. Including my own parents. But if you really were honest….would those people of divorce have noticed flaws early on, red flags, where perhaps they should not have gotten married? My own mother said just that…..she always had a bit of a red flag moment in her, that said perhaps they shouldn’t. But it was the 60s…she was 22…EVERYONE got married.
I feel awful hearing of friends’ marriages in trouble. Makes me so sad, yet its inevitable. Statistically, its going to happen. I will work every day to make sure that it is not me.
I thnk I’ll call the hubby right now and tell him how awesome he is. 😉
I really like this. It’s very positive and powerful.