We were driving through town this morning on our way to pick up a friend of the kids for the day .. and on our way, we passed the old granary in town. It’s a cold, gray and rainy November day but love how it made this whole scene appear.
Pigeons atop one of the old granaries in downtown Flandreau.
The start to winter here in South Dakota has been brutal. Deadly, as many of you know, in some parts. The snow has been deep west river, the temperatures frigid and the legendary winds have been howling. But more often than not thus far, especially east of the Missouri, the sun has been shining and the weather overall, has been relatively mild.
I couldn’t resist going for a walk with the camera this morning. The sun was trying to break through a heavy frost. The cattle in the field across the way were just barely visible in the mix. Chances are, we won’t have too many more mornings like this.
It’s just beautiful here. While I miss the lakes, rolling hills and bluffs of Wisconsin and the majestic mountains of Montana, I have absolutely fallen in love with the prairie.
The Cowboy is standing at the sink, cleaning up after having just made us both some breakfast. We’ve both got busy days ahead. And we’re both already somewhat exhausted. Neither of us slept much last night, the dogs were out and barking incessantly for some reason until about sun-up this morning.
Further exhausting us, is a situation we both feel passionately about. One that we are confronted with on a daily basis through the eyes of so many others as well as our own situations; the healing of families after divorce and doing what is in the best interest of the children stuck in the middle of what can often be a tough situation.
The Cowboy is heading to a South Dakota Shared Parenting Rally here in just a bit, a group he’s quietly helped lead behind the scenes for a couple of years now. It’s a group he joined and quite honestly, helped to restart out of the pain of his own family’s situation. The mission since, has become far greater. I’m not overstating this – there isn’t a day when at least one person isn’t calling the Cowboy asking for advice, needing someone to understand where they’re at and asking why no one seems to care that their children have been ripped out of their lives other than four days a month for no apparent reason – a standard custody judgement in South Dakota no matter how good or fit both parents may be, no matter how close they may live, no matter that a growing amount of evidence shows it is best for children whenever possible to have as much time with both parents assuming they are both fit, willing, loving and able parents.
“It’s a no win situation,” the Cowboy says to me, still standing at the sink, looking not at me but thoughtfully out the window. “All I want, all most people want that are in my situation, is more time with their kids. If you don’t fight for it, people say you don’t care. If you do fight for more time, you’re told you’re bitter and angry. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
It’s not always about time, either. The concerns. There are so many other issues that surround children of divorce. And the parents, quite honestly. One parent badmouthing the other in front of the kids, phone calls or even standard visitation denied with no recourse for the offending parent, never any extra time given, important information about child development withheld, medical issues, the list goes on.
I’ve been cautious to post much of anything over the past year around the topic of our families for a number of reasons. These tough discussions permeate our everyday and are often the conversations the Cowboy and I have when we are alone. But I think there is an incredible amount we’ve learned and that we’ve learned through others that is worth sharing .. discussions worth taking part in.
Information as simple as – does your state offer/promote collaborative divorce? There are so many I know of who look at me like, what are you talking about, when I ask if this is something they’ve considered.
Important questions to ask an attorney before you retain their services.
Important details to work through before you sign off on finalizing your divorce or custody arrangement.
Working out a communication plan in regard to the kids – if you have a tough time communicating in any way with your ex. What is a communication plan and what resources are available? And, do they work?
Divorce impacts over 50% of our society anymore, most often these couples have children. What states do divorce well? What can we learn from them? Where are there helpful resources for these families? How do you work with someone who doesn’t want to work with you but rather hurt you in a divorce/post divorce/through the kids? Is it possible?
What is happening legislatively across the nation when it comes to child custody arrangements, decisions and laws? Shared Parenting conversations and legislation are growing. But what does this mean?
The media, the family court system and our government like to talk about how big a problem fatherlessness is in our society, yet the system often seems stacked against men, especially. Why is this?
The less a non-custodial parent sees their kids, the more they’re required to pay in child support. May seem logical on some fronts and there are parents, countless parents tragically, who want nothing to do with their kids lives and be free of the financial burden. But I’m not sure that’s the norm. SO .. when you have a fit, loving, caring and genuine non-custodial parent asking for more time, not to get out of paying, but to genuinely have more time with their kids because it is what most likely best all around .. what incentive is there for a custodial parent to agree to any change the arrangement?
Deadbeat dads is another topic the media likes to latch on to and promote the heck out of, I know, I’ve worked in newsrooms that have done this. Let’s follow around the cop walking door to door with arrest warrants for those who haven’t paid up. That’s sexy ‘journalism’ to use the term loosely and is easy to promote, I can just hear the male announcer voice now booming 10 seconds of copy over how we have a society of deadbeat dads and how we can’t let them get away with it. While I will never think it is okay to walk away from your kids or the financial responsibility of them – I have now also seen firsthand why it would be easier for some dads, especially, (some moms too for the record) to walk away versus be put in the situation their ex spouses continually put them and their children in. I am amazed to even think I can now understand this. Not as easy a story to tell, but one equally worth sharing. Who’s got the guts (or quite honestly the time in a churn and burn world of media) to do it? Running stories that are deep and meaningful and true to both sides often bring out the Jerry Springer in many families. It’s a risky deal for news outlets and which side do you believe? Why perhaps the flip-side or even the front side often don’t get told. Stick to the facts of who hasn’t paid up and there’s your story.
What happens when two parents, both hurt by a marriage that didn’t work out for some reason, let go of the past and come together sincerely to move forward, work together, get along and operate in all honesty and do what is in the best interest of the child? What happens then? How does the child benefit/react/grow? What does this look like?
Where are there resources to help you learn to let go, get along? What are the warning signs your kids really aren’t handling the mess you’ve created well?
The system is broke in so many ways. How do you fix something so intimate as family and interpersonal relations? Can it be fixed? Who can help, if anyone? Who’s doing it well? I am not claiming to have any answers. But there are always others we can learn from.
I’m not saying I’m going to write about this everyday, but in light of some recent issues in our own family (positive and negative) and in a few conversations we’ve had with others in just the past week, I’m done being frustrated over saying nothing and the fear of saying anything.
These conversations are happening, but they need to be happening on a broader scale than inside our own homes, or in isolated silos to friends who will listen and can empathize because they are in the same situation.
I’ve taken long enough to write this that the Cowboy has since left his perch at the sink where this whole conversation started, and has left for today’s Shared Parenting rally. Unsure if two people or two hundred people will turn out, he plans to be among them…
While others have told the Cowboy he’s an embarrassment for doing what he’s doing, I hope he knows how incredibly proud I am of what a good dad he is, of how much he cares about and for his kids, and that even if he can’t change his own situation, he’s doing what he can to create as positive a situation for other parents and children should they have to go down the same treacherous path.
“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you
control it.”
― John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley: In Search of America
An email that just came in reminds me of how true this is ..
Sitting right now at a coffee shop in the lovely, Brookings, SD were perhaps one of the most perky business owners I’ve ever met, serves up java. I’m not kidding. It’s rare to see someone so dedicated to best possible customer service, not on this level. Maybe she’s just drinking a lot of her own coffee..
The Cowboy and I met here earlier so that I could deliver some much needed horseshoeing supplies to him ..
I’m still here trying to wrap up some work for social media clients before I run off to a few new business appointments myself .. and literally just took two phone calls in the last 5 minutes for requests to set up photo shoots. I. Feel. Incredibly. Blessed. And, full of gratitude. While my career especially right now may not look the way a few others feel it should, there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t thank God for the life I’ve been given and the opportunities before me – to spend time with family, be more engaged in life and my community and to pursue new paths in career. I’m having an absolute blast. The people I have met along this leg of my journey, in even just the past ten months, when I step back to think about it, leave me in awe.
At the same time, I’m mulling over a few emails from this morning all that relate to work and life and career .. and I’m frustrated. Because I’m not sure where any path leads just yet (besides every night, back to our awesome little acreage).. despite how fun they may be, to be on.
Someone asked me the other week what my greatest weakness is when it comes to career – I’m not great at being patient. I want defined goals, an action plan, to know where this will all eventually lead, how any/all of it to make a difference and to get it done. Not for me personally typically ever. Probably to a fault. But for our family, community and .. who knows who else what we’re working on might touch.
I’ve been in South Dakota now, ten months. I needed a reminder here just a few moments ago after that email came in, to be patient. That I am only in control of certain things. That the rest isn’t up to me. Rather, how any of us respond and move forward … is where we have some control.
And as I gather my things and head out into the rest of the day, that is where my heart and thoughts need to remain focused.
I was clicking through WordPress this morning on my way to post something for a client, when I came across Hoof Beats and Foot Prints most recent blog post. At the top were words from Robert Frost that will forever take me back in time.
When I was just a kid, there was a pretty core group of us that hung out. And for the most part, it was a group of boys. I was never much of one to play with dolls, worry about getting dirty, I never cared to paint my nails, go to the mall, watch tv or gossip about what may or may not be going on with any of our other friends. In no way do I mean to stereotype here or be critical of others activities. At all. But it seemed when I had the opportunity to get together with friends that were girls, these were many of the options. I wasn’t interested. Neither was my best friend, Amy who lived just a few doors up the street.
I wanted to run through the woods, build forts, listen to heavy metal, play football, compete, prove to them I could be just as much one of the guys, at that age, as any of them. Which, in hindsight, I’m wondering if it didn’t drive my parents crazy. And Amy, hers. We have laughed a lot about it since.
Anyway, our group would get together often and watch movies. And in trying to hang tough with the guys, I watched more horror movies than I’ve collectively seen the rest of my entire adult life, my first porn flick, Porky’s repeatedly, countless few films and when those got old we’d throw in, The Outsiders. The film, and what a great film that was, would rile us up in that small town we grew up in and we’d run around like somehow we had the same angst happening in our own community. I had the lines nearly memorized. But nothing has stayed with me from that movie more than the poem, Nothing Gold Can Stay.
I love this poem for so many reasons. But mostly because, every time I see or hear it, it takes me back. It reminds me of a much simpler time in my life and so many friends I’ve lost touch with but that will always hold an incredibly sweet place in my heart and soul. Friends who embraced me at one of the most awkward and challenging stages in my life when I was often made to feel like an outsider, because I didn’t fit the typical little girl mold. Of fall. Of the leaves turning. Of the home I used to live in and the big woods out back – that are full of memories – but that I now only get to drive by and wonder what sort of life the family that lives there now, has. Of just how much has changed since. How quickly the seasons of life pass us by ..
When you’ve got places to be, you’re running behind because you were just somewhere else you had to be and somewhere in-between here and there you’re hoping to get caught up on what you haven’t been paying attention to – things like email, an actual conversation with your spouse, messages and calls that need returning because, well because it’s how you get things done and it’s what others expect – how often do you simply lift your eyes to the world around you and soak it in?
It can be tough, taking the time each day to consciously just ‘stop’. Stop and soak up the scenery, or the people around you and the places you whiz by. But I challenge you (I say ‘you’ loosely here. I have only a vague idea of a few who might read this. My hope is at the very least, my kids will someday read back over my words and know this was something I felt important for not only my own life, but theirs as well) to slow down and try to notice something new in your every day. In your drive to work or back home. In the people around your office. Or even in observing your own child. So much in that snapshot of our daily lives, no matter how routine, is constantly changing. And it’s pretty awesome, inspiring and humbling when you stop to look at any of it.
In-between a series of meetings, volleyball games, dropping off the gun my daughter had borrowed from the neighbors to go pheasant hunting last weekend, trying to find a few minutes to change into something warmer, grab a bite to eat and make it on time to rehearsal for the musical in town .. I didn’t have really any time to spare as I sped down a gravel road near our home this evening. But I saw the scene above, put my foot on the brake, let it register that I did actually see a scene that awesome, turned the car around and stepped out of the drivers seat for a few moments to soak it all in.
I’ve tried to make this a daily practice most of my adult life, but it’s never been this effortless. Life here everyday in so many ways, reminds me of how fortunate I am. It reminds me again to stop. To breathe and soak it all in. I hope you have this too.
I am so in love with a state (far more than just the state) I never thought I would know .. no more than the speedy drive through on my way to wherever I needed to be next, anyway.
I’ve been wondering when those that farm the fields around us will be harvesting. The season is well underway in eastern South Dakota, yet our acreage remains surrounded by row after row of golden corn stalks.
“There are some trucks and a van on our road, I’m not sure who it is,” my daughter just said to me, having gone out for a breath of fresh air. She’s been home sick much of the day. I’m not paying any attention to the traffic, instead I’m looking her over, wondering if she may truly be getting back on her feet a bit.
A semi, combine, grain cart and some other vehicles literally just pulled up moments ago and it won’t be long the landscape around us will look very different. And, ready for winter.
While the Cowboy and I run together most of the time, he went without me this morning. I’m glad I noticed how beautiful it was. I snuck out onto the front porch as he was heading down the driveway. Barefoot, my feet seemed to burn on what was one of our first frosts of the season. But, I stood there until he turned onto the road and snapped this shot ..
#RanchersRelief and the Atlas Blizzard Rancher Relief Fund.
……………
We were on our way home from Rapid City and Wall last Sunday morning .. and had pulled off quick to put gas in the van and grab the kids a quick bite to eat.
We both heard someone say the Cowboy’s name, approaching us from behind.
It was an old friend from the rodeo circuit and the two spent a few minutes catching up. At some point though, in-between talking about families, jobs, roping and where each had been the past few years, the topic of the loss of livestock West River came up.
“To some extent, these ranchers had warning this was coming. I feel terrible about the loss of life but they had time to get them in. It shouldn’t have been this bad,” this gentleman said.
I was a bit taken back.
There are a lot of opinions being given right now about what could or could not have been done. Regardless of who or what may be at fault for so many deaths, if anyone, the fact exists there is still incredible, unbelievable loss. And that is where we are at. I can’t imagine anyone expected what was coming, especially this early in the year and especially because things never seem quite as bad as they’re forecast for.
Photo Courtesy of http://www.columbian.
After working many years in television news, I’ve seen it, I’ve taken the calls from people upset that you’re breaking into their favorite television show (not saying this happened in this situation at all. Just saying, it happens) to tell them about a pending violent storm that often barely ever touches their town with even a few raindrops. For most, the hype that goes into approaching storms rarely ever matches how bad a storm ever is. People get numb to it.
But the forecasters do know, Mother Nature is unpredictable. And when the conditions are just right, sometimes those storms will be what is predicted. And they can only pray you pay attention.
I believe this was one of those storms. And no matter what could have been done before the storm, there is this incredible, devastating aftermath.
I don’t know that I’ll continue to write about this routinely. We don’t live West River. We’re not in the thick of it. I can’t as eloquently put into words what is happening as more storms hit the area, as ranchers wake each day and try to piece their herd, their lives and livelihoods back together. We however know some of these families and communities well. And we’d like to do whatever we can to support them.
Here are just a few other writers/blogs I have come across that seem to be great resources for anyone wanting to stay in touch, know what is happening and do what you can to help. Use the hashtag. Spread the word. Donate. Pray. And if you’re so inclined to read any of the following, grab a kleenex:
“My buddy lost his best head horse,” the Cowboy says to me the other night, just shaking his head.
We’ve been praying for and thinking about all those out west left to work through the aftermath of one of South Dakota’s worst winter storms, I believe, ever. At least for this time of year.
I’ve got the national news on in the background as I sit down to get to work this morning .. and the local cut in just aired. The images coming out of Western South Dakota now in regard to the loss of livestock are just tragic .. and tough to see.
And it appears quite tough for South Dakota ranchers to know what’s ahead .. and how they’ll recover.
Courtesy – Mitchell Republic
From KBZK:
“One rather morbid story was that they could simply find their cattle by following the trail of dead carcasses,” Williams said.
An SDSU Extension Beef Specialist, Ken Olson said, “It’s devastating. I’ve had some tearful conversations. They’re having a hard time. Some of them know that it’s going to put them out of business. It’s very hard.”
Olson says the impacts of the storm are magnified because ranchers had already suffered through a drought that reduced the size of their herds and their bottom line.
But the damage caused by this storm goes far beyond economics. It hurts these ranch families on a deeply personal level.
“It’s personal. Yup, it’s personal,” Williams said.
Williams and other ranchers feel their losses one by one as they pick up the scattered carcasses. Some will be processed for byproducts, others buried or burned.
Williams said, “It’s a hard chore. And it’s only beginning.”
Officials are telling ranchers to carefully document their losses for possible financial assistance.But with most federal offices closed in the government shutdown, it’s unclear what help might come, and when.
…………..
My heart, along with so many others – I know .. goes out to the families facing so much loss. My heart and head right now however can’t stop imagining what those cattle, horses and other livestock lost must have been going through. The Cowboy just gives me the look at times, you know the one that many of us get, because we have such soft hearts for any animal. I slept outside one night earlier this fall to watch over one of our own steers who was sick and we were worried was too weak to perhaps even make it through the night. While he does everything he can always to take good care of our herd, he wasn’t sure why I slept outside or what I could further do about it from there versus the comfort of our own bed 50 feet away. I simply wanted to be there for him if he did pass or if there was some way I could help because personally, I would never want to go through it alone.
That being said, I can’t imagine the stress and fright these animals were going through this past weekend, wandering aimlessly through the storms and essentially getting stuck and freezing to death. The images, based off of what we’ve heard from friends and family out there, just keep playing through my head. Death at some point for us all is inevitable but we now know how we die makes an incredible difference in the entire experience, for those passing and for the rest of us as family. And these cattle in many ways, are part of these families lives and livelihoods.
“Please pray for the ranchers West River,” a member of our congregation said this morning when the pastor asked if there were any concerns folks wanted to share.
“I spoke with my son-in-law earlier this morning,” he went on to say. “He said a lot of folks out there have no idea where their cattle are. They’re lost. Or they’re dead. The snow was just too much… it’s going to be pretty tough going for them. A lot of loss.”
The Cowboy looked at me and just shook his head. We’ve been in touch pretty much every day with family out there getting an update. They’ve been snowed in at a Hospice Facility with the Cowboy’s grandmother.
“I never even thought about the cows,” he said. “That’s terrible. They don’t usually get as much as snow as we do here. It’s way more wide open. A blizzard like this can get pretty tough on livestock.”
We were talking with that same gentleman after church .. he said it sounded terrible West River right now for many. Especially for those with livestock. His family had told him, from what they could tell in many places, the cattle simply pushed through any fencing trying to find their way somewhere through the storms. But, the snow was so deep many either got stuck, lost or from what some were seeing, the cattle had essentially flipped over and remained where they had fallen.
Please pray for the ranchers .. they were the first of many mentioned this morning, that could use thoughts and prayers. And I know that was just within our one small congregation. Wishing the world a night of peace, of understanding, of silver linings somehow through any tragedies or challenges and renewed hope for better days ahead .. for warmer days ahead to melt the insane amount of snow dumped on part of our state and for as many cows as possible, to find their way back home.
Conversations With a Cowboy 