Tag Archives: Dating

Stillwater …

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If you’ve never been to Stillwater, Minnesota, you’re missing something.  It is a beautiful .. quaint little town along the banks of the St. Croix River (I thought it was Mississippi but, wrong.) just as you cross the border from Wisconsin into Minnesota.  Or, I guess.. the other way around, too.  Leaving Minnesota heading into Wisconsin.  Whichever direction you’re coming from, it’s just a few miles off the highway.  And well worth the trip.  There is a great downtown and a gorgeous landscape surrounding the small town.

http://www.countryliving.com/antiques/shops-and-shows/getaway-st-croix-valley-1106#slide-1

Lot of antique shops.  Well, a lot of quaint little shops in general to be honest.

Golf courses.  Water recreation opportunities.  B&B’s.  And of course.. some great restaurants.

I’m pretty sure the Cowboy and I checked out each and every one of them in the three hours we were there.  The day we actually met, in person.  Late last June.

Because I was hungry for breakfast.  I had just come from a long run.  And it was past noon.

As we were told, ‘no breakfast anymore’ walking from place to place, we finally settled on a nice bistro on the edge of town (no more restaurants to hit).  We sat in the window at a table for two.  And I quickly realized it didn’t matter what was on the menu.  I was happy to just delve into the person sitting across the table from me.   (Take that however you want.  But at that point it was all about the convo.)

…………..

Another old friend I just ran into and who knew something about someone in South Dakota  said to me .. ‘how exactly, did you meet again?’

………….

Six years ago .. the Cowboy got a call from a friend to show some horses.  He was living in Oklahoma  at the time.  It was to rope at the World Appaloosa show in Fort Worth, Texas for a horse trainer from Wisconsin.  He went.  They won.  They have been great friends and worked together ever since.

Which brings us to a year ago…

That same trainer…

Became my trainer for an event I was asked to do along with some others for the Midwest Horse Fair last April, I believe it was.  We worked together for a few months.  Unlike the Cowboy, I …didn’t win.    But the Trainer and I became fast friends as well.

(He shall from this point forward be called the Trainer.  Because he and his family have now become a big part of both our lives.  Chances are he will make some reappearances in future blogs.)

Fast forward to a Memorial Day weekend trip the Trainer took to South Dakota with a client of his.  They went to the Cowboy’s to have him teach the client how to rope.  They roped.  They drank beer.  And one night the Cowboy got our his guitar and started to play.

“You have to meet a friend of mine,” says the Trainer to the Cowboy.

He bugged him about it again the next day.  The following day on his drive back to Wisconsin, the Trainer calls me and says, “You’re not dating anyone right now, are you?  Even if you are..  I’ve got someone you need to meet.  Go on Facebook or something .. Friend the Cowboy.”

I’m pretty sure both of us laughed and said .. ‘Yeah, sure. Get right on that’… because neither of us was wanting or looking for anything at the time.

Which may be why this has been so good.

We did nothing but talk for what seemed quite a long time.  Great conversations.  Long conversations.  About everything.  Including why neither of us was in the market for a relationship at the point.  Usually it was from about midnight-3am on many a night last June.  And then we thought, perhaps it might be nice to meet.  Because while neither of us was looking to get into another relationship, there was something there.

On a weekend when both our plans got canceled for other reasons.. mine, a trip to Nashville to scope out some potential life changes and him, to North Dakota for a roping school which got rained out..  we decided on a whim, to meet.

But where..

One of my best friends had out of the blue, said, we’re home with no plans, come to Minneapolis and see us.

The Cowboy said, I have a friend who’s been at me to come rope.  He’s just outside Minneapolis.

And on that weekend, we met.  For lunch.  Which turned into an afternoon.. one of the best afternoons of my life, thus far I’m pretty sure.

Other than the distance.. we have been together since.

Stillwater deserves a return trip .. I’m thinking.  And breakfast, lunch or dinner.. will be great.  As long as the company is the same.

What the Cowboy Says He’s Learned in the City. No. 1 ..

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I wonder if I didn’t have to stop to pick up after the dogs … how long it would actually take me on my run each morning.

……

Many of my friends really seem to enjoy talking with the Cowboy.  The cowboys.  My ‘city’ friends too.  They are always asking him about some of the things he does, they know little to nothing about.  Things that back home for him (or even 20 miles outside Madison), are everyday things that everyone knows about and ask rarely for explanation.  Even the posts I happen to write about anything cowboy way-of-life here on the blog, seem to consistently get the most hits.

The Cowboy asked me the other day, what are you going to write about today.  I answer, “It hasn’t hit me yet.”

So he says, “You should write a blog about what I’ve learned from you.”

I laugh …

“I’m not so sure I know what you’ve learned from me,” I say at first.

Plus that isn’t as interesting, I say to myself.

He starts down the list of things he’s learned.

“How about, picking up dog poop.”

He laughs…

………..

The first few times the Cowboy visited this past fall, after I decided to stop being a vagabond (I house sat for awhile after selling my own home just over a year ago, not sure where or if I wanted to plant firm roots anywhere again, yet) and settle into my own place ..

He offered to walk my dogs while I was either a) getting ready to go wherever it was we were heading off to or b) at work.

I came home one afternoon after work and happened to see a big pile of evidence he had most likely been in the back yard of the apartment building with the dogs while I was gone.  But hadn’t quite completed all the steps of ‘taking the dogs out’.

“Is that from one of ours?” I ask.

“Probably,” he says.  “I took them out awhile ago.”

I head out to pick up after them.  And then we have ‘the talk.’

“I hate to tell you this, but you’ve got to pick up after them,” I say.  “I know that’s not a fun job, so if you want to leave that for me, I’ll get to it.  But just know, it’s got to be picked up.”

I’ve been doing it for about as long as I can remember.  Always had dogs.  Always lived where it needed to be picked up.

I used to use Oops Scoops.  But they seem harder anymore to use the cardboard piece inside .. to pick up the pile.  I find myself chasing the pieces around on the grass more than I am picking them up.

So I’ve reverted back to biodegradable small plastic baggies.  Which, used to totally gross me out, but they’re quick, convenient and they just work.

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/home/green-pet-poop.htm

……..

“You have to pick up after your dogs,” he starts laughing.  “That’s a new one for me.  I live in the country .. never had to do that one.”

For a man used to turning ’em out, letting them run, having them do their business in a pasture or nearby grove of trees and them coming back when they are through… he’s gotten the hang of it all.  Now when I even think of asking if everything is taken care of.. he beats me to the punch.

“Yep.  All taken care of,” he usually says, smiling.

The dogs, couldn’t be happier.  I’m not so sure about the Cowboy.

I promised though, to not even consider asking for help..

With the cats.

Love this …

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I asked friends this Valentines Day for some advice when it comes to love.  Thoughts they might share and pass along to a younger generation.  To help them realize certain things before it is too late.  To help others learn from the mistakes they, rather we all have made.  To take the best advice now, that they perhaps were given too late.

While I may still share some of those thoughts in a post yet to come ..

This is all I want to share at the moment.

Words that this week, I saw for the first time (SO sorry, Bob Marley!  I must lead a more sheltered life than I thought) thanks to a blog founded by someone I’ve had the privilege to work with:

http://thecollegecrush.com/2012/02/real-valentines-day-hes-not-perfect/

They are, this Valentines Day, words that struck me as beautiful.  And real.  And not sugar coated about love.  But inspiring.  Something few cards I’ve ever found in the aisles at any store have been able to give me over the years.

And, they are words that make me smile.  Because, how many of us have gotten to a place where we know perfect doesn’t exist in a relationship.  But amazing and connected, respectful, supportive and full of crazy awesome .. does.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 

― Bob Marley

The drop off …

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Some parents would love nothing more than to hand over their kids for a few hours .. even a few days ..

Hand them over to another adult they know will take good care of them.

Sometimes another mess, another whine, another errand, another argument with you or between siblings, another load of laundry .. any or all of it can be enough to push some parents to the brink.  A few moments, a few days perhaps of solitude, is a wonderful opportunity to regroup and come back at it.

Quite honestly, even if its just a date night .. psychologists will tell you, (and I say this after the thousands of dollars of couples therapy that my ex and I went through, apparently a wee bit too late – so please let me just share one very important tidbit I learned) get a babysitter and go out.  Step away from the children for just a few hours.  It is healthy for them and for you.

Sincerely.  Once a week.  If at all possible,  do it.  Prescription straight from a marriage counselor.  Fit it into your schedule and do it.  (Just to clarify, I’m not saying like, do it do it.. but do the date night thing.  You know what I mean.  On some level though, I guess either reference would be appropriate in this context.)

Back to the point I was going to make..

Some parents would give anything for that break.  For a few days to regroup and then have their children back, feeling all refreshed and ready for the beautiful chaos that they are.

But for parents who’ve gone through or who are going through a divorce and who want more time with their children than the are told they can have, nights .. like tonight at the ranch, are brutal.

A weekend of not much of anything but hanging out and loving on each other at some point has to end.

It’s time to go back to mom.

A warm weekend indoors

It’s been almost three days now of running around inside, staying out of that cold South Dakota wind, chasing each other, playing hard and chilling out.  But the silence that starts to creep back in around 6pm every other Sunday at the ranch is almost deafening.  The stress of the drop off starts to sink in once again, with the twins and their big sister.

The Cowboy I know does his best to keep his composure as he starts helping them pack ..

Not easy because almost always, there is crying.  And there are questions.  More and more, his daughter says, ‘Why can’t we spend more time with you, daddy?”  They are words that sting deeper each time they are asked, because there is no good answer.

One of the boys lies on the floor .. lifeless, with tears streaming down his cheeks saying he doesn’t want to go.  The other ambles along through the house this weekend as if nothing is happening.  Usually he’s the one clinging to dad screaming.

“The drop off sucks,” says the Cowboy.  “Especially because it is essentially two weeks now until I get any more real time with them…”

Let me just say this.

No matter how much any child loves a mom or dad, leaving one to go home to the other can be heartbreaking, especially when they’re young.  It does go both ways, for those who think the kids only have a hard time on their particular end.  The Cowboy knows this.  Still, it is hard.

Hot cocoa

They don’t understand.  I’m fairly certain they feel guilt leaving one parent for the other.  And if they don’t feel it, they feel like they should.  So they act accordingly.  That is just my own observation.  Take that for what its worth.  But from everything I have witnessed and heard, with my own daughter, with friends, with other family and the Cowboy, kids feel torn leaving either parent.

I don’t know what a child truly feels however, because I was not put through that hell when I was a child.  I feared it.  My parents struggled just like everyone else.  But I was blessed in that they stuck it out.  After 36 years it was cancer that finally tore them apart.  Its crazy to think of how rare divorce was back when we were kids compared to now.  In 2012, its more rare a child’s parents are still together.

Marriage is never easy.  Divorce is just as hard.  And its incredibly tough on kids.

There are ways to minimize the pain.  Experts will tell you, avoid direct parent-to-parent drop offs if at all possible.  That helps the kids.  School for instance, is a great way to do that.  Whoever has them for the weekend will usually drop them off at school/daycare the following Monday.  The other parent them picks them up.  Voila.

I’m not just saying this because it might help the Cowboy and his kiddos.  I’m saying it because I’ve seen it work.  And, because my ex and I were asked to do the same .. after both of us grew increasingly concerned, I think, that someone might call the cops thinking one of us was abducting our own daughter during direct drop-offs.  Her blood curdling screams and crying tore our hearts out.

The rub here is.. both parents have to be willing.  Willing and able to remember through the muddy hate filled haze that can be divorce, to always try and do what’s in the best interest of the kids.  Thankfully, no matter how tough my own divorce was, my ex and I tried our best to frame each situation with, ‘What is best for our daughter?’

Too many of us know that can’t always happen.  Or if it does, its down the road and so much damage has already been done.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write about this today.  It’s not a fun topic.  And the Cowboy worries its a bit too heavy.  He wants me to write about something a bit more lighthearted tomorrow, if that’s ok.

But its just what struck me as important to talk about.  Because so many of us face this moment.  The moment we say goodbye to our kids .. and wish with everything we have, that we had more time with them.  Each day.  Each week.  The good, the bad, the arguments, the accomplishments .. even the mundane.

Back to moms

While time alone to regroup is a gift – to come back at parenting refreshed, renewed and ready to tackle anything a 4, 7 or 10 year old could throw at us (literally and figuratively) ..

How we would give anything for the frustrations of the everyday.    

(p.s.  Don’t think I don’t know – some of you right now are saying, then you should have stuck it out in your marriage.  I wish it were that simple an answer.)

The gym…

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We really need to figure out how to make the back and forth between SD and WI work a little better.  Only because, well, because we’d prefer to be in the same place.  But also because its taking a toll I’m pretty sure, on both our waistlines.

The Cowboy and I have individually been on the go, non-stop it seems .. like many of you.  Since before the holidays, we have been eating poorly … (well, worse than we might otherwise, with a steady diet of coffee & red bull for the long drives, cheese, crackers, some fruit thrown in for good measure and for me, chocolate.  Gotta have chocolate.  Just a little bit everyday.  And a good microbrew when its appropriate.  True.  I love good beer.) not getting enough sleep … (well, that’s what everyone keeps telling me but I’ve never slept much) and definitely, not enough exercise.

Until I met the Cowboy… I was kind of an exercise fiend.  Not like, over-the-top about it. And not uber competitive.  But the gym was on my calendar at least twice a week along with running 4-5 days.  And, I would pick a few races each year and train for something.

I just like to be fit.  Feel fit if nothing else.


In need these days of a tune-up

So does the Cowboy.

Despite the fact we try and run a few times a week and I’m comfortable looking like a fool out on the streets in the neighborhood doing lunges, side steps, pushups and the like, don’t think either of us are ‘feelin’ it at the moment.

So today I forced myself, despite having only 20 minutes to get in and out and change somewhere in there into my workout clothes.. to go to the gym.

It felt good.  And as I called the Cowboy quick on my way in the door, he says to me, “Honey, that’s great you’re going.  I’ve got to start being more consistent with working out, too.  I know we’ve been running, but I’ve got to do more.”

Both of us do, I’m thinking to myself.

I didn’t tell him as I was about to hang up.. I was finishing off half a Snickers bar, feeling famished not having had any lunch yet.

I’ve got to keep going to the gym.

Gathering dust

We all say that, don’t we?  Hoping we find a way to stick to it.  It may be one more thing on the to-do list each day.. but probably one of the most important things that just needs to get put back on the schedule.    And who needs sleep anyway…..

The road home …

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Its not often we get to ride together in the car.  Well, actually today, its the blazer.  Normally one of us is heading to see the other and flying solo, passing time between phone calls and the Cowboy anyway, likes to watch/listen to a few shows on Netflix.

The road home

But we’ve got the blazer pretty packed up (the Cowboy really misses his big ‘ol truck, we were lamenting that just a few miles back.  It was a sexy truck.  It really was.  But as part of the divorce he gave it up over some relatively humorous and unrealistic financial demands from the ex.  So he sold it.  And, because we’re both trying to be frugal these days and downsize more than upscale, he bought an old blazer he could still shoe out of .. that would be a solid vehicle for he and the kids .. and that he could pay cash for.  We promised we’d start looking at a truck again later this year.)

Tired after a morning run

We’ve got one of the dogs along as well..  Settled in amongst everything in the back seat.

And, a lot of conversations happening in the midst of it all.

One of which, is me…. fussing at the Cowboy for his driving.  He wants me to tell you, “The Cowboy is a great driver.  And I am a terrible back seat driver.”  But he tells me that as he’s drifting off onto the shoulder of any icy Minnesota highway.

Another conversation is…. do we feed the dog the burrito bowl leftovers from our lunch stop.. which is a mix of black beans, rice, chicken and guacamole?  Or will that make for an extremely long, stinky ride the rest of the way to South Dakota?  Sorry.. but you know its true.

Its been a relatively insane, far too busy week.  All good things.  Work stuff.  Mom stuff.  Trying to fit exercise back into my daily routine after being out sick a couple weeks.  We drove through the snow last night to have the most wonderful evening with some of my best friends in this life, from college and now from all over the world.  Truly an honor to be among those around the table at the Capitol Grille in Milwaukee.  I adore my friends.  And I adore the Cowboy so I’m glad they’re all getting more time to know each other.  Plus it’s fun to see him dressed in a suit coat once in awhile.

But the busy days, late nights, work in-between and not to mention.. the awesome company have me thoroughly enjoying the downtime today in the passenger seat.  (Even if he isn’t the best driver that ever lived..)

Riding shotgun...

Especially because the Cowboy and I have a big week ahead … and the road this week will take us to Pierre.

Random…

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I had such grand plans for tonight.

I was going to work late and get a project logged so that I could write it tomorrow – it had been scheduled to air next week but is now running this Thursday..

I was going to relax.. cook myself dinner.. write another post.. attend a meeting for a business I’ve gotten involved with on the side, one I’m pretty fired up about.. and run by Barnes & Noble quickly to pick up some things I didn’t get a chance to really look at last night because I ended up talking for a long time with my ex husband about some big issues .. issues we’ve been trying to find time to talk about now for months.  Years is more like it.

With our daughter at an unexpected sleepover, I found myself with the time and mental wherewithal last night to offer up the time to meet.  SO.. instead of browsing, I set the stack of books/magazines on hold behind the counter last night as the store closed, because the ex and I were two of the last still there wrapping up our conversation.  I’m guessing this is shocking to any of you who know us, because I’d say as recently as 6 months ago, us sitting at length to talk about anything was just not going to happen.

Then, I was hoping to sit down and have some good quality quiet to time to call the Cowboy before going to bed at a decent hour.

I’m not quite sure what ‘at a decent hour’ means anymore.

Instead…

Dinner

..The neighbors just left, after catching me coming home at 10 tonight.  They were helping me with the back door as my arms were full, so I invited them in for a drink as they asked if I had time for ‘one’.  It’s easy with the two of them, they often seem to have a bottle of something handy or in hand, so I don’t need to worry about what I might have in the house.  They are fun and I don’t get to hang with them often.  (I kind of like this apartment living again.. the camaraderie and contact is so easy compared to trying to catch my old neighbors before they pulled in their garages and disappeared into the house for the night.)

And they – *they, the neighbors just wrapped up a long conversation with the Cowboy, thinking my video phone was a pretty cool toy to be able to chat with him and feel like he was here in the living room with us.  I still have yet to really download with him today.

Cowboy said to me tonight after the neighbors left with a smile, nuzzling up in the recliner with a nice fuzzy blanket, ‘Write your post and then call me.’

I opened up a box of Special K with strawberries and poured myself a bowl.  I laughed at the thought I might get to bed early.    And I started to type.

Going to bed at ‘a decent hour’ won’t happen, once again.  But that’s ok.

It was a long day for the Cowboy as well.  He was up and out the door early today to shoe (horses) with a couple hours on the road between clients.  He looked tired tonight.

I imagine by now, he’s sleeping.

I’ve been thinking all day about how I was going to blog about the conversation my ex and I had last night and again early this morning and talking with the Cowboy about it all.

I’m putting it off for now.  But I will write about it at some point soon because the reasons for why we needed to talk won’t change anytime soon.  Quick synopsis though:  We are talking about school next year, our hopes for her future as well as our hopes for us as her parents, and does her current school track fit the track we want for her.  Plus, if either of us moves anywhere in 2012, what will that mean for her, us and our current custody arrangement.  You know, those things.  Big things.

It’s a huge conversation the Cowboy and I are having as well, perhaps along with many of you out there.  What is best for our kids?  What does that look like?  And what does that mean for any of us?

The Cowboy and I .. my daughter .. and .. I now know, even her dad, we are all sending up a lot of prayers.

Especially because the ex always likes to have things planned out.  But making and keeping plans versus being ok with any change in plans is a dynamic many of us have to work through. It was among the many differences the ex and I had.  Not bad, just different.

Being ok with change is something the Cowboy and I, I have to say, are pretty good at.  And its important to me to always be flexible.  Because things rarely go as I plan.

And, I had such great plans tonight…

Looking forward to an early start tomorrow.

“i loved it, i cried”

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One of the things I love about the Cowboy, is he doesn’t ever seem to feel the need to hide how he feels.  And he seems to absorb the emotion in everything going on around him with the greatest intention.  Then react.  Almost always with an incredible tenderness, even when he’s been frustrated.  Now, that’s something I haven’t seen in a very long time.

Or, that I would expect that from a cowboy.

But it is what it is.

Cowboy’s been bugging me to blog for some time now, or at the very least pick up that half chewed up journal and just write.  He wasn’t quite sure what I would end up writing about but he also said, ‘Whatever you write I trust you.  And you’ll do great at it.  Just write.’  Little did he know I’d frame this all around him and the daily conversations we have.  Because I think most of our conversations are universal in that there are a lot of people having ones that are similar.  Or at the very least, having them inside their heads if not openly with others.  And I’m looking forward to sharing thoughts, ideas, and hearing many of yours in return.

SO.. after finishing my first post the other night, I forwarded him the link.

“i love it, i cried,” was his response via text.

“Really?” I say?

“yes,” he responds.

“How is your day?” I ask still texting.. in part because we’re both rushing around to get out of our respective homes and get to the day ahead before we try and catch each other on the phone….

“awesome…because you are in my life, yours?” …

One of the conversations the Cowboy and I have often, is how do we hold onto all of the awesome we have in this relationship.  From the first time we spoke, we have treated each other with respect.  And you may say, ‘well, no kidding.. you’ve known each other all of like 8 months,’ if you know any of our back story.  But you would then be surprised to know how often even a first impression is not a good one.  I’ll leave it at that.

Cowboy and I both try our best, as any couple would, right… to be incredibly open and honest with our thoughts.  Have our actions speak as loud as our words.  And to always be kind to each other, grateful, humble and have each others back.  Always.  But we’ve both thought perhaps in the past, we had found someone that we should have also had those things with and we have (for me time and again) failed miserably.

So.. the big question we keep asking at times we feel like pinching ourselves at how good this is at this moment.. “How do we hold onto this?”

Hold onto the crazy awesome feeling of loving someone so much you’d rather be with them every single moment of the day than ever apart.  You know what I’m talking about.. and if you don’t, please.. find it again preferably where you are at or realize you are missing something amazing, work toward it and pray it finds you.

It’s funny because this topic came up at an event I was at today.  Some friends who were catching up were asking each other how things are going between spouses and significant others.  When someone asked me how things were going with the cowboy, I told them wonderful.  And they said, ‘the key now is holding onto that’.  Exactly.

The alternative quite honestly, sucks.  I know you know what I’m talking about.  Statistics tell us .. as well as far too many of our friends .. that there is a strong likelihood most of us have at some point, hopefully not for too long, been in that place where we’d rather just be alone .. either long term or at the very least, for enough time to regroup and come back at it.  You know, the ‘hey I need to run some errands, I’ll be back next week’ (jk.. kind of) ..

Its a place many couples finds themselves.  Not all, I grant you.  For those of you gracefully able to work through all challenges that come with being incredibly close to anyone for any length of time, great work.  I truly admire you.  Share your secrets freely.  You are blessed.

The Cowboy and I though are pretty sure we’ve got a great thing going.  And the ability to to bring it back to where we want it to be through any challenges.  According to the encouragement I’ve gotten from any and all who’ve met him, my family and friends agree.  In fact, what I’m hearing more than anything from some of my girlfriends is, “I think I need a cowboy.”