Category Archives: Divorce

The gym…

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We really need to figure out how to make the back and forth between SD and WI work a little better.  Only because, well, because we’d prefer to be in the same place.  But also because its taking a toll I’m pretty sure, on both our waistlines.

The Cowboy and I have individually been on the go, non-stop it seems .. like many of you.  Since before the holidays, we have been eating poorly … (well, worse than we might otherwise, with a steady diet of coffee & red bull for the long drives, cheese, crackers, some fruit thrown in for good measure and for me, chocolate.  Gotta have chocolate.  Just a little bit everyday.  And a good microbrew when its appropriate.  True.  I love good beer.) not getting enough sleep … (well, that’s what everyone keeps telling me but I’ve never slept much) and definitely, not enough exercise.

Until I met the Cowboy… I was kind of an exercise fiend.  Not like, over-the-top about it. And not uber competitive.  But the gym was on my calendar at least twice a week along with running 4-5 days.  And, I would pick a few races each year and train for something.

I just like to be fit.  Feel fit if nothing else.


In need these days of a tune-up

So does the Cowboy.

Despite the fact we try and run a few times a week and I’m comfortable looking like a fool out on the streets in the neighborhood doing lunges, side steps, pushups and the like, don’t think either of us are ‘feelin’ it at the moment.

So today I forced myself, despite having only 20 minutes to get in and out and change somewhere in there into my workout clothes.. to go to the gym.

It felt good.  And as I called the Cowboy quick on my way in the door, he says to me, “Honey, that’s great you’re going.  I’ve got to start being more consistent with working out, too.  I know we’ve been running, but I’ve got to do more.”

Both of us do, I’m thinking to myself.

I didn’t tell him as I was about to hang up.. I was finishing off half a Snickers bar, feeling famished not having had any lunch yet.

I’ve got to keep going to the gym.

Gathering dust

We all say that, don’t we?  Hoping we find a way to stick to it.  It may be one more thing on the to-do list each day.. but probably one of the most important things that just needs to get put back on the schedule.    And who needs sleep anyway…..

“I’d love to argue with you later”.. she says, laughing.

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The Cowboy and I are still chuckling a bit over my last conversation of the day yesterday at the South Dakota statehouse.. with the likes of Ms. Joni Cutler http://tiny.cc/l2x37.

Now, I don’t want to do anything to ruffle anyone’s feathers.  We are all entitled to our own opinions.  And if I am ever looking for work in South Dakota, I need to watch inserting my opinions anywhere.

However..

What is fair to share with you, is the exchange.

Ms. Cutler was one of the last to come out of the Senate Chambers yesterday afternoon ..  Fortunately, we were still there, waiting on the House to dismiss.

Far from the ranch

We were scheduled to talk with one of Senate Bill 60’s strongest supporters, Representative Melissa Magstadt.

The Cowboy was off talking with Rep. Mitch Fargen.

Others, who had been making sure we talked with everyone possible where it might make a difference .. knew I wanted to speak with Cutler despite the fact she is adamantly opposed to any update/advance in shared parenting legislation.

They said, there she is.  And then they bolted.

I watched as she leisurely stopped and talked with various colleagues on her way out the door .. often stopping, turning back around, joking with a few folks, and taking a few steps back toward the door.

Finally she walked out.

I said, “Ms. Cutler, my name is ….  I am here with a gentleman by the name of .. (the Cowboy) today.”  She smiled and said, “Nice to meet you.”  She seemed quite relaxed and in no hurry.

“We’re here today to talk about Senate Bill 60 and the need for improved shared parenting legislation,” I said.

She cut me off, saying “I’m not interested.”

“I understand that,” I explained.  I made sure to be looking her in the eye when I said, “I’m just curious if you can explain to me why.”

She stopped, searching, I believe for the right words.  Any words actually.  And then she replied, “We feel judges should have all of the information and room possible to make the best decision and not mandate them to have to give couples in a divorce equal custody.”

“Why wouldn’t SB60 allow them that same room for judgement?” I asked.

“If it would, why wouldn’t it already be in place?” she replied loudly.  “Ask yourself that..”

“I have,” I said.  “And that is why we are here today to talk with you and some others.”

I probably said it with a smirk, I have to admit, but that’s what I said, very calmly.  Because at this point, she had gathered herself up and was walking away.  Which is what I had expected.

As she rounded the corner and was about out of sight.. she threw in, laughing, “I’d love to argue with you later, but I have to go.”

I replied “I’m not sure we need to argue, but I was hoping we might discuss.”

Arguing is currently, I hate to say it, what the current law fosters.  And there is nothing more detrimental to a family, children especially of parents who can’t get along, than arguing and being at each others throats through the lengthy, very sad process that is often divorce.

But it is a process currently, that any family law attorney such as Ms. Cutler and the State Bar … now I’m only guessing here … would stand to benefit from, as parents who argue over anything through a divorce and custody battle, typically argue through an attorney.  Sorry, just thinking out loud as to why Ms. Cutler might support the status quo in this situation.

Senate Bill 60, we believe, will bring families back to a middle ground where everyone is encouraged to get along for the sake of the children.  And when there is conflict, an unobjective third party is brought in to help with resolution.  Can someone please explain to me why this is a bad idea?  That is all I was hoping Cutler might help explain to me.  Why she feels this is such a bad idea.

For those of you wanting more on SB60 and why the Cowboy and I were there yesterday,  if you can glance at yesterday’s post, it’ll give you an idea.

For those of you who just want to be lazy and not look (which I get) .. Here’s a link to the bill.  😉  http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2012/Bills/SB60P.pdf

We’re not sure why there are still people out there who need to be convinced it is a child’s best interest, in most circumstances, to have both parents equally in their lives after a divorce, or for both parents to be treated and viewed equally through a divorce assuming both adults are loving, caring parents.  It seems a bit silly.  But, apparently there is a need to try and get the word out.  And having talked with countless other parents, mostly dads in South Dakota, who after years of hoping someone will listen to them and gave up, we felt it was our turn to pick up the fight.

Time with the kids - precious.

The Cowboy has been on the phone since leaving Pierre yesterday talking with family, friends and people he hasn’t heard from in ages.  Old friends who have their own story to share and who say they’ll do whatever it takes to support him.  And the bill.  And that is exactly what is needed.

http://legis.state.sd.us/who/index.aspx

This bill needs attention now.  If support isn’t strong before an upcoming hearing and testimony during the hearing, chances are it won’t even get out of committee.  It was scheduled to start this time around, in the most likely place it would get killed.  Because everyone we spoke with who’d like to see this pass is tired of working hard to see it fail, again.

One of the Cowboy’s good friends, who could lose her job for supporting this bill, is taking a stand and plans to testify.  She this morning, posted this on her fb page:

If you believe parents should have joint custody of their children, please contact your Senators and Represenative in Pierre and urge them to support Senate Bill 60. This bill will be voted on Thursday, February 9th at 7:45 a.m. during Judiciary Committee at the State Capital in Pierre… This bill is SO IMPORTANT!!! 

Even if you are not from South Dakota … (we’ve gotten emails today from folks in other state) but support moms and dads anywhere being encouraged to be good co-parents, to come to the table with equal parenting rights and responsibilities and allowing both parents to help raise their child .. especially if you are a judge, or an attorney and have seen 50/50 work.. Magstadt asked me just this morning to have you ..

Please contact either Senator Tim Begalka http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2012/MemberDetail.aspx?Member=151

Or, Representative Melissa Magstadt.  http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2012/MemberDetail.aspx?Member=159 

The Cowboy .. says thank you.  Because he doesn’t plan to walk away .. from the discussion.  Especially if it means, he might somehow get the opportunity to be more of the dad he wants to be.

Senate Bill 60…

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I have been referring the past few posts to Pierre and a trip the Cowboy and I have been planning on taking to the capitol.. versus what was supposed to have been a weekend in Arizona with friends.

We stayed home because the Cowboy, devastated by the ongoing trials he is being confronted with in regard to any time with his children .. we would like to say, have to stop. But there are few resources it seems available, if any, besides an attorney. And even that, for decades, we’ve learned has gotten father’s (and some mothers) like the Cowboy, who simply want to care for, help raise, love, support and be a part of their children’s lives after divorce, nowhere. In fact, its been so disheartening, many have dropped the fight.

But could there be hope?

There is a lot of discussion right now happening around a bill scheduled to be reintroduced into the South Dakota state legislature. But perhaps not enough discussion..

http://legis.state.sd.us/sessions/2012/Bills/SB60P.pdf

The fight for shared parenting and legislation to support it, has gone on now for years here in the Mount Rushmore state. Judges, attorneys and the like here .. have maintained for generations that what is in the best interest of the children of divorce, is majority time with one parent, leaving the other with little to say, little time to do anything with their kids and little recourse.

But elsewhere, even in my own home state of Wisconsin where joint legal custody is the norm, the Cowboy would have had at least a chance to fight.

South Dakota’s shared parenting legislation is lagging behind approximately 38 other state’s who have long adopted the principal that parents going through divorce come to the table on even ground. That equal time with both parents is in the best interest of the child (other than in cases where there is abuse). And that the burden of proof for any arrangement otherwise lies with the parent filing for majority custody.

Somehow those ideals just don’t seem right to those representing people like the Cowboy. Or at least it seems that used to be the case. We’re hoping the times baby, they are a changin’.

South Dakota State Capitol

The Cowboy hopes by sharing his story.. legislators in his home state may finally reverse some of the pain he and his children have been put through .. and if not for them, for the other fathers (and mothers) that will inevitably follow in his footsteps.

It’s been a couple years since the Cowboy was last in Pierre. He often will rope in the Fourth of July Rodeo. And he’s won it several times.

We’re hoping today is a win too..

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A good night’s rest…

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Its been a long day and the Cowboy is sleeping in bed alongside me.  About 20 seconds and he was out.

“I’m not used to going all day,” he says very seriously a few hours ago.  “You know that.  And I want to be in bed before midnight.  We have a big day tomorrow.”

Afternoon chores

I’m used to the Cowboy being in a much lighter mood, more well rested and having gotten in a run and played his guitar for about an hour each day.

We’ve been on the go now for about 6 days in a row.  Early mornings, full days and late nights.  Who wouldn’t it wear on?  But when we cancelled our initial trip to Phoenix and decided there was work to do here, my comment at that time to the Cowboy was, ‘If I’m coming to work, then we’re going to work.  What are your biggest challenges right now….”

Alfalfa hay

After a late night painting – it was an early rise this morning.  We had several meetings to get to in Sioux Falls, a trim (remember Cowboy is a farrier?) on the way into town.. the owner tell me when I ask her what she does, her name is Joyce and she packs parachutes for the Guard, how cool is that?.  You think things go wrong when YOU have a bad day at work?  ….

We managed to fit in some noodling around town in-between which is fun for me because I’ve still got a lot to learn about the area and so does the Cowboy (which I’ll be writing about in a later post), and then we booked back home for chores and we had hoped his daughter’s basketball 1st grade basketball game.   She wouldn’t be there tonight, we sadly found out.  The Cowboy tried calling to talk with the kids to tell them he loved them and see what was up.  No response.

So, we stayed home and got the paint cans back out.  Only a couple more rooms to go!  (A huge shout out, by the way, to the Cowboy’s mom who comes over to help!)

Another beautiful day in South Dakota has come and gone.

Tomorrow there will still be chores .. and some painting left to wrap up .. but a new, bigger challenge comes.

I glance over before I turn in, myself for some zzzzzz’s.  I hope the Cowboy at the very least gets a good night’s sleep ..

Because we are off in the morning to Pierre.

Paint.

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Painting I find, is generally one of those things you either love to do or despise.

At least that’s the feedback I get whenever I mention the topic.  Most, I’m fairly certain, lean toward despise.  I don’t know… what do you think?

I don’t mind it.  In fact, I miss it .. as my house-sitting and apartment dwelling over the past year means I no longer have sprucing up of my own to do.  It’s good exercise and typically it means some area of a home or building has gotten one of the most inexpensive face-lifts available.

So we were fired up about today.  Because the Cowboy will tell you, his cute little house needs some sprucing up.

He’s also been waiting to do anything on the house now for close to a year.  The Cowboy wasn’t a.) sure he wanted to keep the house in the divorce and b.) that the ex would ever turn over the paperwork so that he could refinance.

We decided that no matter which it turns out to be, a sale and/or staying .. the place needs a fresh coat of paint.

Why paint you ask?

Much appreciated help from the Cowboys mom

Well, there were nail holes everywhere.  The previous paint job was also a bit rough and the colors were incredibly dark .. way too dark for a small little house with not enough windows.   Every room was that way.  So the task before us wasn’t and still isn’t for the faint at heart.

But perhaps even more pressing as to why we needed to paint:  they were colors the ‘ex’ had picked out and gone with years ago.

And the Cowboy, thankfully, is doing all he can to remove any of the bad energy, or .. juju as my girlfriends and I like to call it, left lurking in corners from a tough marriage and divorce.

Now that may sound ridiculous to some of you .. but others, you out there know exactly  what I’m talking about.  Moving on in the same place can be tough.  Bad energy can linger in a space after something so devastating as a divorce.  Don’t get me wrong, some reminders are things to cherish.  Others we just need to move past.

So today, we painted.

And we will again tomorrow as the everything from the few rooms still needing it, stays heaped on the futon.

'Everything away from the walls' heap

Now, if you’re thinking ‘Is this girl serious?’ ..

I’m not sure I’m giving you the best resources here.  But there are a ton of articles/opinions available on the topic of clearing negative energy.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2165074_clear-negative-energy.html

Listen.  All I know is, if I had known then what I know now, I would have sold my home and just about all furniture acquired with my own ex, shortly after finalizing our divorce.  No matter how much I tried to paint over the past, smudge or make new memories say .. having friends/family for dinner and serving them off the sideboard he and I bought when we first moved into our old home .. hoping to give the sideboard new meaning and memories .. four years post our divorce it still reminded me of him every morning as I walked by on my way out the door.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  But can’t change what it was.  Only when I sold any of it/gave it away/let it go including the house, did I feel free from a past that perpetuated heartache.

I think it might be a woman thing more than a guy thing, to hold onto all that.  But some of us do.  Everything in this life, I believe, carries energy.  I like to keep the good energy around.  Where it doesn’t exist, I believe is opportunity to create.

In my humble opinion, the Cowboy deserves to get back even a smidge of the great energy he shares with the world each day.

So we’ll keep painting ..  It looks great so far.  Only 4 more rooms to go.

“What am I doing,” he said to me at one point, sitting on the floor, painting along the trim and trying not to get it on the baseboard.   “I don’t paint.”

We laughed.. and both took another sip of beer.

Today was the first time the Cowboy has ever painted anything.  Well, other than in maybe art class.  He was never allowed in the past because .. well, because he might not do it right.

Job report:  There were a few spots we’ll have to hit again.  But .. all joking aside, he did great.

And, we had a great time.

Today’s project has already spurred conversation about what other improvement projects will be fun to do together.  And as he stood in the kitchen, one of the only rooms we truly finished today, he said time and again, “I really like it.  I can’t believe how much better it feels in here.”

Its amazing what a can of paint (and some willing hands) can do.

The road home …

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Its not often we get to ride together in the car.  Well, actually today, its the blazer.  Normally one of us is heading to see the other and flying solo, passing time between phone calls and the Cowboy anyway, likes to watch/listen to a few shows on Netflix.

The road home

But we’ve got the blazer pretty packed up (the Cowboy really misses his big ‘ol truck, we were lamenting that just a few miles back.  It was a sexy truck.  It really was.  But as part of the divorce he gave it up over some relatively humorous and unrealistic financial demands from the ex.  So he sold it.  And, because we’re both trying to be frugal these days and downsize more than upscale, he bought an old blazer he could still shoe out of .. that would be a solid vehicle for he and the kids .. and that he could pay cash for.  We promised we’d start looking at a truck again later this year.)

Tired after a morning run

We’ve got one of the dogs along as well..  Settled in amongst everything in the back seat.

And, a lot of conversations happening in the midst of it all.

One of which, is me…. fussing at the Cowboy for his driving.  He wants me to tell you, “The Cowboy is a great driver.  And I am a terrible back seat driver.”  But he tells me that as he’s drifting off onto the shoulder of any icy Minnesota highway.

Another conversation is…. do we feed the dog the burrito bowl leftovers from our lunch stop.. which is a mix of black beans, rice, chicken and guacamole?  Or will that make for an extremely long, stinky ride the rest of the way to South Dakota?  Sorry.. but you know its true.

Its been a relatively insane, far too busy week.  All good things.  Work stuff.  Mom stuff.  Trying to fit exercise back into my daily routine after being out sick a couple weeks.  We drove through the snow last night to have the most wonderful evening with some of my best friends in this life, from college and now from all over the world.  Truly an honor to be among those around the table at the Capitol Grille in Milwaukee.  I adore my friends.  And I adore the Cowboy so I’m glad they’re all getting more time to know each other.  Plus it’s fun to see him dressed in a suit coat once in awhile.

But the busy days, late nights, work in-between and not to mention.. the awesome company have me thoroughly enjoying the downtime today in the passenger seat.  (Even if he isn’t the best driver that ever lived..)

Riding shotgun...

Especially because the Cowboy and I have a big week ahead … and the road this week will take us to Pierre.

A little bit of chicken fried…

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SO… a few things before I get to chicken fried.

While I have yet to be a little more public about my posts (I’ve not let very many in my own circle know I’m doing this .. for reasons I’ll explain perhaps at a later time…) I’m amazed at the conversations yesterdays post seems to have spawned:  The challenges of shared custody, the rewards, how vindictive and conniving women in particular can be – toward an ex or even other women, how easy it is to file false charges against someone and how often that seems to happen, that police need to take anything like that seriously but when you’ve done nothing how tough a pill that is to swallow, what that means for true victims of abuse, how often men seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to custody arrangements even if they are a great parent, how often they too do stupid things to get back at a partner and the different ways that looks .. those were just a few of the conversations I ended up in at some point yesterday.  It was kind of crazy.  Especially because there are no real solutions to most of this, just different ways to cope, I’m thinking.  Regardless, there are so many more branches of these topics to be had  .. look forward to having them with you.

I was feeling bad I’ve already faltered on my goal of one post a day.  But I consider this yesterday’s post, well.. because I wrote it yesterday.  But didn’t post it.  Because I got sidetracked by just too many things going on.

I stayed late at work on a special project.

When I got home, the Cowboy had made the most awesome dinner.

I am part of a band and we played a little gig last night after dinner and getting my daughter situated for bed.

As soon as I got home and sat down to finish the very short post included below, one of my dearest girlfriends called .. and needed someone to download with.  Because a married man she trusted and who was a family friend tried very hard to create a window of opportunity with her last night putting her in a terrible position, one she never expected and she was frustrated she didn’t exit it more gracefully.  I’m furious she was put in that position in the first place.  But having been there myself .. along with many of you, I’m just going to assume, its a place that hopefully once we’ve been we understand the warnings signs and learn to leave at the first indication trouble could be lurking if we stay.

Nothing happened thankfully.  But I’m giving him the stink eye the next time our paths cross …. on her behalf.

OK.  Chicken fried.

Heaping portions for the girl

The Cowboy made dinner last night……

I think I may have forgotten, after too many long years of not eating much at home how nice it is to come home to someone who loves you with kids situated, homework done and dinner on the table.  Not just someone … someone(s) very special, which is cool.

Such was even a small part of my day, and night.   And I know I am blessed.

The Cowboy is looking over my shoulder at the moment and says, if you might add … perhaps if you are happily married or in a relationship that is healthy, committed and strong, or even if you need a little work.. but still are in love … hold onto that and appreciate what you have.  Because its a wild, wooly world out there…..

And as I finish wrapping this up.. wouldn’t you know a little Zac Brown comes on the iPod.

Mmmmm.  Chicken fried.

Finding time … and patience.

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At some point, if you stick with me long enough.. you’ll most likely hear something about the challenges my ex and I have had the past seven years or so as we went through our divorce.  And, recovery.

Our marriage was a struggle from the start for many, many reasons let alone the break-up.  It has taken all we have, I believe, to try and do what is best for our daughter and somehow get along.  Or at the very least appear to try.

I’ve wished throughout the past ten years, that I had been better about journaling because so many lessons were learned through both the good times and the bad.  Lessons I would love to reflect on as well as pass along to my daughter.  Perhaps though, the following is why it struck me this past week, to finally get at.  To start writing.  I just felt some big things were coming my way.  I wanted record.  And pretty sure my intuition was right.

…

Just this week, the ex and I sat down and for the first time since our divorce and apologized.  For everything.

I’m not going to lie.  It was and is weird.  But I’m trusting its also genuine.  The ex said to me, “I don’t expect after so many years of treating you poorly (word changed there – family show!) that you’ll believe I’ve changed.  I know I need to earn your trust again.  But I’m going to try.”

While I believe I may still be in shock, I am looking forward to seeing how we might all heal and as well, where we go from here.

Getting along..  Successfully co-parenting post divorce, I’m going to just assume, is never easy.  But what I do know for certain, is that some try.  And, try to co-parent far better than others.

Before I go any further with my journal, let me just establish a few important facts:

1.  I know there are two sides to every story.

2.  The last thing I ever want or try to do is run another person down.

3.  This blog/journal, again, is about our day to day and the issues the Cowboy and I face.  But they are issues many of you face as well.  I want your thoughts, actions, solutions or experiences to share.  Because I know I and most of my friends going through these same issues are exhausted and broke spending upwards of $200/hr for therapy or their attorney.

4.  My focus will almost always be on how to improve a situation.  Not just complain about it.

There.  Back to the journal.

The Cowboy wants more time with his kids.  And I think its safe to say, anyone would find it tough to withstand the games a vindictive – for reasons no one seems to be able to understand – games an ex, his ex if we want to get specific, can play.  (Again, I know there are two sides to every story but its though to argue with facts, words in writing and actions.)

The Cowboy will tell you he’s not perfect.  I would agree.  But none of us are.  He lets the kids play in the mud, eat too many sweets, often stay up past bedtime the weekends he has them .. he lets them make mistakes in the hopes they learn from them and takes them for ice cream during the 3 hours he gets to see them each week.  He knows he has a lot to learn about parenting, about himself, about relationships and about life.  But he’s also the most open person I know to the lessons.

Strong hands and a tender heart help place a winter hat on son.

The Cowboy loves his kids.  And he does his best to show them in the ridiculously small amount of time he’s been granted each week – for reasons even the judge can’t explain.

…

The Cowboy is a great dad.  And it breaks my heart to know that he or any parent who deserves equal time with their kids, doesn’t get it.  No matter how much my ex and I couldn’t see eye to eye, even we felt equal time with our daughter was a non-negotiable.

So, we pray everyday for grace, for strength to get through this and the wisdom to understand why any of this is happening…

In the meantime, we also are praying for as much time as possible with the kids… and I asked earlier to give me one word to describe what he needed most to get through this.

He said patience.  Patience things will work out.  That the kids will be ok.  That the time with them will come.  And to know God is somehow through this, working on us all.

But hours later and having had some time now to decompress on a very lonely stretch of highway between SD and WI…

The Cowboy called and said, “Faith may be a better word.  I think faith is maybe patience in action.  Faith I believe, is knowing that doing the right thing will prevail.”

Afternoon ride